Friday, January 16, 2015

Kitty Titties

It's the middle of the night. Minion one is giggling insanely behind me. The lights are out. It's dark. It's cold, because it's fucking January in Michigan.

Finally, Minion one brings her laptop over to show me a photo of a cat.

M1: Does this look like our cat?

Me: Sure, but our cat is like THE generic cat. When someone says they have a cat, and you don't know what it looks like, he is the cat everyone in the world pictures.

M1: He's special!

Me: And Generic.

Then she scrolled down, and I saw the photo in all of it's... ahem... "Glory". Said cat was shaved from the head down, except boots and a puff ball on the end of his tail.

And yet, all that we saw was that Titty Kitty needed a bra, in a big way. Even cats need titslingers, yo.

I mean, it's inevitable. Everyone just starts to let themselves go. This cat decided to give up on support functions when it's owner shaved it down.

It also made me wonder what OUR cat would look like all shaved down. M1 said he'd kill us, but since he literally licks his fur OFF anyway, I think we'd just be doing him a favor.

He'd be all weird, squishy, and pink under his fur, much like that HUGE bulging belly area of his. Soft, but weird.

But alas, it's winter. His fur is safe for now.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Dick Clark

The other day, I noticed that despite the 2 years since he died, the New Year's Eve celebration is still being called Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve.

It got me thinking. In 10 years, or 15 years, or 20 years, when Ryan Seacrest undoubtedly still hosts, and still looks like he's 30 (remember how slow Dickie aged? It's probably some fountain of youth shit only good on tv hosts of NYE), and it's still being called "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve", will kids even know who Dickie is?

Will they even know what American Bandstand was? Hell, I don't think my kids even know what American Bandstand was. Do any of you know?

No matter what, Dick Clark is how I grew up celebrating NYE, so I suppose I can just start referring to Ryan as Dick. I'm sure he'd like it.

Enjoy a safe and happy New Year's Eve!

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Clearance Socks

I bought a pair of socks tonight, on clearance. After roughly 4 hours of re-adjusting the socks so the heel is at the heel, and the fucking toes are at the fucking toes, I realized WHY they are on clearance.

They are just spinning in circles on my feet. I can't tell if they are trying to fly off my feet, or if they came with a hidden rinse cycle I knew nothing about.

I believe the true purpose is that they really plan to slowly drive me insane, until I give up, and go with cold toes. It's a brilliant plot to ensure that I die of pneumonia this winter.

Well played, clearance socks. Well played.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

I have no excuses

I haven't died.

I haven't lost the funny. I did lose interest, but I do that a lot.

Tonight, Minion 1 (who is almost 19 now- omg, does that make me feel old) mentioned Blog Sand Crotch Micromachine to me, and of COURSE I had to come here, like immediately, for old times sake.

And then, we seriously laughed until there were tears as I read some of my old posts.

I don't know that I'm insane, but I do know that if someone in the white jacket field of work were to read my posts, I'd probably get my own special white jacket. So, there's that.

Today is Minion 3's birthday. She's a teen. A TEEN. Commence the gray hairs, I'm sure.

To celebrate, we left her and her friend alone in the house, because apparently, showing off baby pictures of her to her friend is "SOOO embarrassing, mom!"

Spouse and I went to go see "Into The Woods" while they were here catching up on Supernatural, eating their weight in Pocky, and playing video games. It turned out to be a sold out show, which meant that our carefully chosen seats wound up being a "Get to know your neighbors!" set of seats.

The lady next to me was loud, had the largest winter jacket known to man, and halfway through the movie, she sat it on my lap. I gracefully, and politely, elbowed the fucking thing back onto her lap, which caused her to let out a little huffing sound, like I was inconveniencing her. Bitch, please.

Anyway, I will not promise to be here more in the future. But, I might just try. ;)

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Talking Zombie Plans

First- Yes, I live. I know. I know. I became a Girl Scout leader. It sucked up all my time (just ask Spouse). And yes, the irony of ME being in charge of the education of kids is not lost on me.

Today, I had a conversation with C. It was long, so I'll cut out the boring stuff (you're welcome...). It started with her telling me she plans to start getting all prepared for the zombie apocalypse. I pointed out how woefully unprepared her plan is. It went something like this:

Me:  You know, you have to have a survival plan in place for the family, too. Like, who do you sacrifice first so the rest of you can make a clean escape from a zombie horde?

Which person do you team up with in the family to plot against the others?

C:  Olivia is dead weight she is the fitst to go
lol jk cats 

I think we would be fine in the house for a while not to populated of an area

lots of water

wayne has boats, so they can fish

But who goes after the cats? And who ventures out of the house first to scavenge items from other near by houses? And what houses are in an alliance with each other?

C:  I have a garden use fence panels to cover windows

Me:  What if animals are effected, and fish are zombies, too?

C: maybe thats why the cat pissed in p's shoe ~~~ it is already a zombie
I am totally going to be a great zombie killer
You need to talk me out of this shit not into it

Me: You should have a stash of weapons in EVERY room with a window. Because what if you're on the shitter, and a a zombie busts in?

You should also work on cardio, because you don't have to outrun the zombies. You just have to out run the people next to you.

 C: LOL I am not planning on fleeing the house unless I need too. I have enough clothing in the van to live off for years lol. We also have the plus of Walmart keys and lots of shit I can use to my advantage

Me: Oh, and hidden trip wires in the ground. And random spikes. So if you are in the house, you can just knock the zombies off at the knees.

And a generator- so you have electricity when the power grid fails.

And lots of propane to cook on the grill with.

And lots of gas tanks for the genny.

Walmart only works if the zombies hit when the store is closed. If it hits while the store is opened, that's fucked.

Don't forget to stock up on dry shampoo.

C:  Stop!

Me: And condoms, because babies can't run.

You need an evacuation route, and plan. Actually 2-3. What if the zombies make it into the house? What if you can't get to Wayne's boat? Where will you go? How far can you drive if your gas wasn't full? Will you start parking the van IN the garage? That way, you can load it before you take off.
And what if you can't grab anything before you go and the route you want is over taken by zombies?
Once they start to spread, they'll be ALL over super fast.

Your neighbor could go to Walmart for bread, and come home a zombie, then the whole neighborhood is fucked.
All because of bread. Fucking bread.

 C: I  am preparing lol

Me:  Can you carry all three kids and run, while fighting off a horde? What do you do? If you have 3 kids, 1 knife, and 6 zombies attacking, with no shelter in site, what's your first move?

C:  Trip P

Me: No Paul. Just you, the kids, and 6 zombies.

Minion 1 said go to the camping section of Walmart, and get a $5 machete. With your discount, even better. 

She also said you can start cutting fingers off the kids to toss as zombie treats

 And mostly? This is only part of a really epic day.