Halloween, Panic Attacks, oh, and Words of Wisdom Monday

I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out... - Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

And since you REALLY didn't miss SHIT last week.....

Minion 1: What time does Trick or Treating start tonight?

Spouse: 10:30

Me: 2:00pm, you got like 15 minutes to get your shit on.

Minion 1: No, really.

Spouse: Late.

Minion 1: Isn't it at like 8?

Me: Yes. It's at 8:00pm tonight.

Minion 1: That's what I thought!

Me: (after a pause) Are you serious? When have we EVER started trick or treating at like 8 at night?? We're usually HOME by then, you dipshit!

Spouse: OMG OMG OMG OMG

Minion 1 sputters.

Spouse: She OWNED you there. Best Mommy EVER!


It's been a long week. Nearly 2 weeks ago, my 3 month old nephew was admitted to the hospital in pain. After several days of x-rays, tests, and constant questions, they discovered over a dozen broken bones.

Since then, it's been a serious of anger, sadness, pain, panic attacks, and depression. I've just come off a weekend of self-exile. I shut my phone off Friday morning, I turned off chat on FB (which is how several of my family members contact me), and I told all of them that I was not going to be in contact until Monday, and that if anything important happened that couldn't wait, to send me an email.

And surprisingly, they all left me alone.

I have anxiety, which typically manifests in sudden, unavoidable panic attacks. I typically don't have much anxiety outside of that. I worry some, but not more than the average person. No, mine is all stored up waiting to explode at the worst moment (like Christmas morning, 2007).

I have Xanax for when I'm having a panic attack. It's only taken when I'm having one, since I don't have them often, but technically, the script calls for me to take it 2-3 times daily. Up until last week, I had not had a panic attack in over 8 months.
Last week, I had 5 in 3 or 4 days. The worst was Thursday night to Friday morning, when I had 3. That's when I shut the phone off, and started taking the Xanax like the bottle said.

I spent the weekend not thinking too much about everything. It's impossible not to think about it- here's a 3 month old infant broken to pieces, and we don't know how it happened. We can guess, obviously. The news has been guessing. But despite what we do know, there's a lot we can't share, or won't share.

There was a lot of history leading up to why I'm reacting the way I am, and again, it's all crap I can't share. See, we have to watch our P's and Q's in the "public arena", so that the Media isn't snatching it up and sharing it.

Already, they've snatched a photo I took of my nephew last week, and started airing it. I had no idea when I took it that it would wind up on the news. At that point, the news wasn't even aware there was a baby boy who might have been abused, so how was I supposed to know that I should be worried about posting a photo.

Since then, I've talked with an old friend who works in the media, and found out that if we share anything, it has to be water marked- if it's watermarked at all, they can't use it in the media. Only, now everyone is so freaked out over it, that I think I would start world war 3 in my family if I DID share any of the others I took.

I'm angry at a lot of things. I'm sad. I'm anxious. I'm disappointed. I'm Brassed. The. Fuck. Off.

So, here's to a week that's stress free.

The link below is to a "ChipIn" page. My nephew and my 4 year old niece were both removed from the home temporarily, and are in the care of family, but the added cost of having 2 additional children in the home, plus all of the medical appointments (insurance covers the cost, but it's a lot of running back and forth with gas), is adding up. If you wish to help, any help is greatly appreciated.

Help Baby Bryson & His Family