Don't Read This

Last week, I got on Twitter and wound up having a non-stop laugh fest for about 2 freaking hours. Seriously, it was more than a little needed, and way awesome. Twitter has never been my favorite social network, but now that I have the hang of it, I fucking love it, and have found some amazing people.

I even found one friend who was born in my home town, and has family in the area still, like I do.

But back to the conversation. It started with music, and ended with something far less musical.

More after the "jump" or "cut" or whatever else they call that lil fucker. If you are related to me by blood, just don't click it. You were warned. And brother K? You KNOW what happens when you ignore my warnings.



I warned you not to read this. Since you did, you are on your own. No, I'm sorry, but I can't apologize for you reading this. You clicked a button, you made a choice.

As I said, it started with music. Random quotes. Talking in lyrics. Having a lot of fun with music. And also, there may or may not have been some musical torture with Minion 1, who was not all up in the Hits of the 80's music channel I found.

Hey- they played Hey Mickey. Who in their right mind DOESN'T jump up and dance when that shit comes on? I know I do. But, with several years of dance classes under my belt like 20 years ago, I felt vindicated in doing that. And also figure it's just a matter of time before Alvin Ailey or Martha Graham knock on my door.

When did the conversation stray? Well, it may have started with a simple thank you on my part.

And because I'm me, I can't ever just stop at the "Thanks for the laugh". No, I had to let everyone know (seriously? Hmm... up to you to decide) that I've been so tense, even masturbating isn't fun.

That's where it strayed into odd-ball, nasty sexual terms, and us trying to guess what they mean, without actually knowing. At first. Then we started making use of the interwebs, and looking that shit up.

Here are a few excerpts from the day. Not all of them revolve around the same conversations.

FlawlessJoe: Can this bitch not suck on that lollipop like she's slurping cock. Nasty ass.

AnnaNonamus: Some women can't help it. They have cock sucker lips. It just comes naturally. Me? I look like I'm having an epileptic fit.

FlawlessJoe: Hahah, i'm with ya on that one.

FlawlessJoe: She's done with the lollipop but is still making slurpling noises wtf is she slurping air!?! I'm gonna shoot myself.

AnnaNonamus: She's trying to slurp up her dignity. Perhaps hand her a tissue or a wet wipe?

That shit was retweeted.

**Follow up to me & FlawlessJoe's conversation:

AnnaNonamus:  I'm writing a blog post. You'll all be in it. Flattered or scared?

FlawlessJoe: Flattered mostly! tiny bit scared.

;)

And moving on to a new conversation.

AnnaNonamus: Holy shit. Hey Mickey just came on and I danced till my legs wanted to fall the fuck off. Minion 1 just stared at me. I have failed her.

blogginglily: What a pity, she doesn't understand. 

AnnaNonamus: Agreed. Poor uneducated youth.

blogginglily: did.... did you see what I did there?

AnnaNonamus: .....I totally hadn't. I lose at life. You're so fine you blow my mind!

blogginglily: I just didn't want all that clever to go unacknowledged... you understand, right?

And I totally did. Cause I really didn't catch what he did the first time around, and that was my bad.

I bet at this point, you're wondering about the not-so-musical section.


And, here's where it got dirty.

AnnaNonamus: Been a while since I just had fun on twitter. I've needed it. Thanks Tx_Lisa, Blogginglily, Jenniferaustin, Handflapper, Flawlessjoe

(from here, assume that all the people listed above were tagged in every post- I'm sorry!)

Tx_Lisa: I feel the same way!!

Handflapper: Me three!

AnnaNonamus: When you're this tense, even masturbating isn't fun. #overshare

Handflapper: #nosuchthing

Blogginglily: You're doing it wrong.

Me: Every answer I have is dirty.

Tx_lisa: Given the topic, not surprising.

Me: :D Everyone says that until they hear the one thing that makes them gag.

Blogginglily: Yeah... super excited to have gagging and masturbation on my klout list (yes, I retweeted that shit)

Me: That's my little gift, from me to you. You're welcome.

Blogginglily: Blogginglily gives AnnaNonamus a +1 K on gagging!


Score!

Tx_Lisa: @Crystalpratt needs some topics! (on klout)

Blogginglily: Fisting?

Tx_Lisa: Surely at least sex is available.

Me: Fisting is a good one. Shrimping?

Tx_Lisa: I don't know what that is. And suspect I don't want to.

Me: #WIN

Jenniferlaustin: Now THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT!!

 Jenniferlaustion: Like Billy Joel, I'm old school. #spankme

tx_lisa: So do you know what shrimping is?

AnnaNonamus (to everyone): Can someone explain Shrimping to me a @Tx_Lisa? We're Curious.

Tx_Lisa: Oh, Thanks for that.

Me: You're Welcome.

Tx_Lisa: Where on Earth did you hear about the term?

Me: My Lesbian Aunt told me.

Crystalpratt: Am I going to regret my lunch choice?

Me: Education- it works when you work it. Or something.

Handflapper: Ya'll left out rimming.

Me: Now? I need to know WTH Felching is (I posted a link about what Shrimping was)

Tx_Lisa: It is NOT to be confused with Shrimping! (so said the website)

Blogginglily: I'm disappointed in "shrimping", how about "dirty waffle" - he then provided a video I refused to watch.

Tx_Lisa: I am nervous about watching a video... and cannot believe there is a video...

Blogginglily: My Lesbian Aunt is a good name for a band.

CrystalPratt: Who knew twitter would be so educational?

Blogginglily: *raises hand reluctantly* I did!

Blogginglily: My Lesbian Aunt & the Tossed Salad <----if anyone steals that for a band name, we all expect royalties. Just saying. 

AnnaNonamus: I did not look up the dirty waffle. I got stuck on felching.

Blogginglily: It's important that you look it up.

AnnaNonamus: ....I looked. Gonna go die now.

Blogginglily: gives AnnaNonamus +1K in dirty waffle

AnnaNonamus: Gee, thanks :) I cringe to think what we're doing to @Klout

Handflapper: I'm fine with it. @Klout's a dirty waffle, anyway.

Blogginglily: Getting lost in all the convos. We're still filthy right?

Tx_lisa: I'd say so!

Tx_Lisa: Though I suppose it could have been AnnaNonamus's dirty mind assuming things.

Handflapper (in response to me asking about Shrimping): Regular shrimping or butthole shrimping? #justblewyourminddidntI

AnnaNonamus: My 15 yo just asked what was so funny. I declined to answer.

HandFlapper: Oh, tell her. It'll put her off sex for at least a decade.

AnnaNonamus: Hell, it put ME off sex for at least a decade.

AnnaNonamus: Look this shit up: Glass Bottom Boat, and Dog in a Tub

Blogginglily: Fine, after you look up Pitssburgh Platter & Cleveland Steamer

Handflapper: Wife has instructed me to quit reading aloud.

Blogginglily: Now seems like a good time to check out my klout...

TX_Lisa: I would bet money Klout hasn't changed.

AnnaNonamus: Wait a month, then check. That's when you'll scratch your heading wondering how Masturbatino, Gagging, and Dirty Waffle showed up.

CrystalPrat: Mine hasn't, I'm not influential at all lol.

AnnaNonamus: New York Style Taco.

Handflapper: Can't. Stop. Laughing. Must. Breathe. Now.

HandFlapper: "Read quietly, in your mind" - Wife to me.

AnnaNonamus: It's like grade school all over again.

Blogginglily: You want to a really progressive grade school.

AnnaNonamus: NOT the sex talk. The "Read quietly, in your mind" bit.

Blogginglily: I'm at work, and still reading it out loud.

Tx_Lisa: I actually was influential about something in Cleveland... remember someone giving me a +k. Never been there! (in reference to Cleveland Steamer) (and also? I'm pretty sure I'm the one who gave her the +k in Cleveland)

Blogginglily: Well, NOW you've been there!

AnnaNonamus: Puerto Rican Fog Bank. Pasadena Mudslide.

CrystalPratt: I see my drive home has left me with a lot of research.

Tx_Lisa: Me too! Afraid to learn!!

Handflapper: Knowledge is power!!

Blogginglily: "And knowing is half the battle" #gojoe

I left out a lot of the conversation. And also, it jumps all over, because that's how people on twitter rock n roll. We reply to shit 2 hours after it happened.

But mostly? I've found my batch of 'peeps', and for some reason, they all put up with my wacked out shit, and let me instigate talks of masturbation, shrimping, and more. So, to all my tweeps- FUCKING LOVE YOU!


And after all of this, I told my Lesbian Aunt that she inspired a band name. Now, it must have been 6 or 7 years ago that she brought up Shrimping, but I told her about the Shrimping conversation. It went a lil something like this:

Me: You have inspired a fun new band made up of tweeps.

Lesbian Aunt: lol what does that mean?

Me: We started talking sex. I brought up shrimping. They asked where I heard that. I said My Lesbian Aunt. They decided that was a good band name.

Lesbian Aunt: Who is naming their band that. LOL and it's shrooming not shrimping.

Me: No, it was shrimping. From years ago. And no one is, we were just having an awesome twitter convo.

Lesbian Aunt: LOL well, I don't know what shrimping is. Shrooming is having your toes sucked. What is shrimping?

Me: Shrooming is drugs, Lesbian Aunt. Shrimping is toe sucking. Also found out what felching and dirty waffles are.

Lesbian Aunt: And they are.... ?

Yes, I told her what they are. But I refuse to burst anyone's bubble here. If ya'll wanna know what the hell that shit is, I found out Google is a dirty, dirty whore, who will tell you all of them.