Wednesday, August 31, 2011
What I found when I clicked the Twitter link, however, was nothing short of a little funny. Then I noticed that the pate was titled "How To Be A Dad", and I was intrigued. See, Spouse has this friend at work, who is going to be a first time dad soon. And I think he may be a little under-prepared for all the fun that he'll soon be having with said child.
I found what appears at first glance to be a hilarious outtake into life as a father of young children. Baby sized and toddler sized children. You know, when they're the most fun, and you're at the weakest point in your life- at the mercy of baby and toddler sized demonic people.
One particular post got me thinking. This would work just as well to keep a crabby teenager busy, as it does to keep a sleep deprived father busy.
Chocolate Chipless Chocolate Chip Cookies.
I am looking forward to the look on my Minion's face when I hand her a roll of cookie dough, and tell her to pick out the chips. And also, I just really want to hear her bitching about me in the background.
I'm like... the BEST mother EVER.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
As you all know, I recently did the Crim race. Well, I walked the Crim race. This has affected my brain. Mostly.
The dream started off with me doing a photo shoot for M1's friend, who is a Senior this year. She had asked M1 if I could, and if I would allow Snakes. Well, hell no, I won't allow snakes- sorry! But, tarantulas? Sure, if she can keep them under control.
So the dream starts with me meeting this girl at a very... um... abandoned area of a big ass city. Empty houses, empty factories, etc. I'm sure if I peeked, there was a human torture-like area set up in one of them, ala "Hostel". I didn't peek.
The girl was running off with a group of friends, pissed at her parents for losing the tarantula who was going to be in the photos. They took off into the woods, while the dad was toting around a sofa by dragging it with one hand. Yes, a sofa. No, I don't use sofa's outside in my photos- mostly cause I A) don't have one, and B) don't have a vehicle to transport it with. The micromachines are not made for sofas.
I chased after the girls, trying to get them to come back, then finally said I was done running, if they wanted pictures, they'd get back to where I was. By the time I got back to the Hostel-esque area, they were there and waiting for me. I did some photos, then she was all, "Let's take some inside the abandoned house!"
I was all, "But people might live there!" and she was all, "No, they're empty, come on!" So we did- and some really old dude started screaming at us for trying to get into his house, which would have made Hoarders proud with the amounts of trash in it.
We wandered off, and found an old post office where I conveniently got my mail from. Score. Then, she saw a trampoline out back and was all, "let's take pictures there!"
OOOoook... so we took pictures out there- only now, we were all wearing some weird sort of school uniforms. Sure, why not. Some guys came up, and asked if I was going to be in the big race. Sure, I said. I followed them into a classroom, where we were given a list of rules- where we could go, where we couldn't go, things we had to do while running, etc.
It was a team effort- I had to stay with my team, or be kicked off, but when we started running, I realized I had on old winter boots with like a big 3 inch rubber heel on them. I tried explaining that I couldn't race in those, and that I would never make it to the end, but they didn't listen.
Luckily, the streets the race went on was lined with yard sales. I totally pissed my team off by searching for a pair of shoes. It took like 4 sales, but I finally found a pair- 1 shoe was like a size 10, and the other was a bit small for my foot, but they totally worked.
By then, the team mates had abandoned me, because they were pissed that we were losing all because I couldn't show up in the right shoes.
-sigh- My dreams are FUCKED UP. And sadly? Not the most odd dream I've ever had. In fact? It was surprisingly coherent and based in reality.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
And now, for your viewing pleasure---
Saturday, August 27, 2011
C: When do you leave for the wedding?
Me: Postponed for a while.
C: OOOO, you can run the crim with me then. :) Love it.
Me: And also? No. I am NOT running the Crim with you. Cause I'd probably die.
C: I have not trained either. If anything it's more fun than anything we can get nice and drunk (the Crim serves BEER on the race way)
C: PLEASE ~ it will be a blast. Plus u get awayf rom the kids...
Me: And die from heat exhaustion. How much is it?
C: $42 now and I can register Friday night.
Me: Have you NOT registered yet? Cause for $42, we can drive up to Mackinaw, and let Hot Dave get us drunk.
C: No, I have.
C: I know. U would have fun. We have to meet at my mom's house at 6:45(AM?!@?!?!?!) to mae it to the race with some time.
Me: You realize I would have a heart attack and DIE, and never see Hot Dave again, right?
C: You would go to heave with lots of hot shirtless dudes.
Me: But not Hot Dave. He'd be loooonely up in Mackinaw.
Me: That last one is WAY too girly in the face.
C: Ok, he is HOT! Married? GF?
Me: Married- and that photo? Does NOT do him justice. He kind of looks weird in that pic. He is FAR hotter in person. And his arms are like... huge and muscley.
C: Did you ask bartender Dave if he strips?
Me: No. Jesus, I need to get in shape again. Then I can be skinny and hot next summer when I go. :p
C: Run with me on sat. That's a start.
Me: No, that race is for dying.
C: Gee, thanks!
Me: Hey, if you die on Saturday, can I have your craft supplies?
C: Great, someone rooting for me to die. LOL. Love it.
Me: No, not rooting, just making sure your "will" is taken care of if you die. Alcohol, dehydration, running 5 miles when you haven't trained at all? Not liking your odds.
C: It's 10 miles, not 5.
Me: But hey, look on the bright side. If you die, you never got "old" like me.
Me: Gee, that makes t ALL better.
C: So you wanna go 10 miles with me? You know you want to.
Me: Like I want a hole in my head. I don't even own shoes that would make it 10 miles, let alone my feet.
C: A reaosn to shop tomorrow. It will be fun. You said you would if you did not have the wedding.
Me: Yes. I lied. I don't do running.
C: Mine is more like a fast drag, not a run.
Me: A fast drag? Like we can sit down and do that shit?
C: Sure if you wanted.
Me: OOO... There was a wheel chair for sale at GW a few weeks ago. If I get that, will you push me? Double the work out- arms and legs.
C: Ummmmmm- Probably not. The wheelers go at a different time.
Me: Well, there goes that strategy.
C: Yup. Just suck it up and walk it.
Me: It's free, right? Cause I can afford free.
C: LOL. U are rich, don't try and fool me.
Me: How much is it, then? Is it free to walk if I don't have a stupid number on my back?
C: LOL You can't. It's $42 if you register Fri. $50 on Satu.
Me: The walking police going to arrest me?
Me: $50 #($&()&$)_ Dollars to die???
And that is the story of how I might almost be guilted talked into walking 10 miles today. If you never hear from me again, you'll know I died.
In a related note, C is unwilling to walk 5 miles with me in an event next weekend. It's just an itty bitty little 5 mile bridge.
Friday, August 26, 2011
So, instead, I'm just going to get preachy with a bottle of Smirnoff tonight, and imagine all the insane ways that life will deal with her. Like all of her hair will fall out. For no reason. And she'll suddenly gain 200 pounds even though she's starving herself. And maybe her car will break down daily, during rush hour, when her cell phone is dead.
Karma is a fucking bitch, lady, and you just pissed her off. Way to go.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Despite being a "wildly popular" blogger, I don't make any money at this- shit I make doesn't sell, I don't have any paid advertisers, and oddly, Disney hasn't come knocking at my door to pay me to blog about a fantastic vacation yet.
I do, however, make some decent spending money online doing -actual- work. From January to June, I saved and saved, and took my family on a fun vacation. One so fun, in fact, I had zero desire to leave said vacation. We met up with Spouse's aunt, uncle, and cousins up there, and us grown up adult like women went drinking one night.
Because I was driving, we pulled in to the bar, and I said, "Ok, just 2 drinks for me, and that's it." Well, thanks to Hot Ass Bartender Dave, those two drinks knocked me on my ass. I couldn't walk, much less even attempt to drive after said experience. So, we did what any responsible adults would do- called and arranged for my directionally challenged Spouse to come get us later in the evening, and kept on drinking.
Dave hooked us UP all night. Awesome drinks, and low prices. He was attentive, but not hitting on the tourists in a creepy way. He was just nice- and fun to talk with. He has a wife, and has been married for as long as Spouse and I.
We wound up going back another time on that trip, this time with all the adults (minus aunt & uncle), and had a merry old time.
C even suggested that Spouse (Sober Sally for the night) just go ahead and park his nice Trail Blazer in the lake. He assured us he had good insurance, but sadly for all involved, Sober Sally was thinking with his brain, and not with his alcohol, so we parked in a regular old parking spot.
There are a few bars in Mackinaw City- namely the Dixie Saloon, O'Reilly's, and the Keyhole. After my most recent experience at the Keyhole, though, I will just say now that I don't recommend them. I've never drank at Dixie, but I have eaten there- highly over priced, very noisy (which plays hell on me, and gets my nerves riled- noise is one of my 'stress' points because everything starts feeling very chaotic when it's super noisy), slow service. Not a horrible place, just not a "Anna" place.
That leaves O'Reilly's. With Hot Ass Bartender Dave. Excuse me a moment while I drool. Ok, I'm back.
We wound up going 3 times this time around, and I'm happy we did. He actually remembered E and I, though in retrospect, when we get together, it's fairly hard to forget us. We're loud and fun. And we laugh a lot. At each other, other people, and random stupid shit.
*Wildly popular meaning in my head, I have thousands of die hard fans, not... you know, 3.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Tonight* I was fixing something on Facebook. I needed to add something to the photo descriptions for 10 photos. By the 4th one, I realized the description on the current one had completely changed. It was mirroring the description of the photo before it.
I thought... WTH?
I fixed it, and moved on to the next one, and realized that as soon as I hit EDIT, it changed all of the information to that of the photo before it. It -anticipated- what I wanted to add, because the update was added as well.
It fucking KNEW what I wanted to post without me typing it. How fucking scary is that? Is it because FB has gotten so fucking smart, it can predict shit? Or am I just a really fucking predictable fuckwad? Was it all kicking back going, "Fuck... here she goes again. Let's just fucking save her some time and do this for her."
Sure, it was adding shit in there I didn't want, but still... pretty fucking creepy. Thanks Facebook, now I'm going to have nightmares.
Pretty soon, I anticipate that Facebook will be posting our status updates AS we fucking think that shit up. We might not even be thinking OF Facebook, but sure enough, we'll think something really stupid, and 5 friends, 3 relatives, and Al Gore will call up and condemn us for having such thoughts.
Fuck. My life is over.
There are thoughts in my head that no person should ever be subject to. Even me.
After writing this, I went in to tell Spouse about what happened. While I was talking to him, a minivan filled with people cruised really slow by the front of our house, with the back sliding door wide open, and people all staring at our house. They stopped in front of the house for a few moments, then crept around the corner, still staring at us.
I locked the door, and M1 asked what I was doing. I told her I didn't want no crazy ass perverts storming the house. That shit would be on facebook long before the police find our bodies.
Also, to the perverts who just* cruised our house? Seriously, I'n not available for in person meet and greets. You get in line, and email me like all** the other crazies.
*Tonight & Just being a loose term in the relevance of time. It was "Tonight" when I wrote this, but since I'm posting all super cool and shit from the past, it was like about a week ago. Such is the conundrum of the Space Time Continuim. Contiuam? FUCKING HELL HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?!?! Continuum. Huh. Who knew it was with 2 U's? Google and Spell Check. And also nerds.
**All being a loose term meaning the one person who emailed me to share the EXCITING news of her company's new Mermaid toy set, thinking I'd fucking be interested in that shit. And when I asked what the entire purpose of the post was, she was hoping I'd post that crap to my page with zero compensation. No coupons, no photos of Pheobe Price modeling a batman outfit while on the off-Red carpet, no free toy. Just, "Be my bitch, please!"
Friday, August 19, 2011
And I'm not bitter. At all. Really.
Friend K (as opposed to Brother K, and Cousin K who both make an occasional appearance here..) has been setting aside her pennies for a few months, and just booked her trip. And I realized... I really fucking want to go! M1 is almost 16. M3 is almost 10. That's old! They're all old enough to go. Hell, M1 is old enough to baby sit the other two while Spouse and I go out one night down there.
I know, Disnification is like... the opposite of my whole Rant At The World thing I have going on here. But, really? It's just a fantastic little slice of heaven, and I want to go back before I die.
When I was in HS, I was part of a dance group that got to dance at Walt Disney World one day in June. We got to fly down there (me, at 17, without parents... how cool is that??), and we stayed for like 4 days. I fell hard for that place.
The bigger than life colors, and buildings, and characters! The ONLY thing I hated, was that I was down there the week before Pocahontas came out in theaters. The entire place was all Indian'd out. You couldn't walk 5 feet without seeing Pocahontas staring at you. I hated Pocahontas for that alone.... until M1 was like 2, and it was the ONLY thing she would sit still for. Girl LOVED her Pocahontas in a BIG way.
My goal would be a trip around February 2013, so... uh... we totally fucking have time to plan it. And hopefully even pay for it. Committing this to print? Totally fucks my plan over, so ya'll know in February 2013, I'll be sitting here bitching about the trip that might have been.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Spouse: What are the cats staring at?
Me: I don't know, Giaa's up there licking herself. (Giaa being a cat, you pervs)
Spouse: Yeah, that takes talent. Definitely something worth watching.
Me: Hehehe... It's Kitty Porn.
Spouse: ...... Heh. Yeah, all right. Where else can you mention Kitty Porn and Pussy in the same sentance without getting arrested?
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
It seems like I don't have time to breath, much less post the thoughts in my head. I have had some funny shit happen, but of course, by the time I sit down and reflect on it, half of the whole thing is missing.
This week, I'm gone again, on a Spouse Free, Kid Free vacation. Back in June, after saving up for 6 freakin months, we took the kids on vacation up north. It's my favorite area of Michigan. Just beautiful up there- as long as it's not winter, and I don't have to stay when it's -30 with a whipping wind chill, that is.
When it came time to leave, I just did not want to leave. I postponed it through out the day, but we finally had to leave. Well, Spouse and I discussed then and there letting me go back- alone. Alone?? Really? HELL YES, sign me the fuck up!
So, while I didn't mention it before, I'm fucking GONE right now, without the ability to post. My fucking ipad is useless against Blogger's posting script. But, I plan to email myself full posts while I'm up here.
I'll be home soon. In the mean time, enjoy the view from where I am. Glad you're not here!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
16 years ago, I was pregnant. And also fucking ignorant. Seriously, totally ignorant. With all the books there are on the topic, and all the other mother's there are in the world, you'd think more information would be shared openly.
How wrong I was. Everyone says it hurts. "Oh, it'll hurt like hell, but it's worth it!" along with "You won't even remember what it felt like!"
All right, I'll man up and do it. I call fucking bullshit. 15 years down the road, I recall the pain. Gut wrenching, ass burning, skin tearing pain. What was that? Yes, I said skin tearing.
I walked in blind with my first birth. I anticipated some pain. I had no idea. And worse- they gave me an epidural! Not that I have anything at all against that. In fact, I think it should be required for all births. Totally. Except in some instances, when the mom needs a good slap up side the head that the pain provides.
No, my problem with the epidural is that it worked beautifully. I had all 3 kids in different hospitals, in different cities, with different doctors. And the only favorable one was that first one, when I had an epidural. See, with my second labor, my doctor was no where to be found, despite being on call IN the hospital. I was there for 5 hours before she waltzed in, and by then? Oops- too late! No epidural.
And with number 3? Oh... number 3. I shot her out like a speeding freight train. 3 hours of both labor and delivery, and there she was. So, for that one? No time to epidural them.
Now, coincidently, M1 is the calmest of the 3 kids. M2 and M3 both have Asperger's Syndrome, which pretty much makes them total pains in the ass from time to time. Coincidence? Hmm.... They were pains in the ass from birth onward.
But this post is all about the truths of giving birth. So let me educate you. M1? This shit is for you. Cause I have no plans to be a Grandma before I'm 50. So, read, imagine, and remember.
- When they say it's going to hurt like hell? Remember the most painful moment of your life. Amplify it by about 500. Then, amplify it some more. It starts off small. You think, "Oh, I GOT this." Then the contraction wraps around you, building up, building up, building up, then BAM. You just start screaming. And then it slowly winds down. It happens every minute or two for anywhere from 2 hours to 20 hours. Without break.
- Your body WILL let loose with all sorts of shit you don't want seen. To clarify- you remember that first kegger you went to when you were a teen, and you over indulged? Then you puked EVERYWHERE, and they showed you pictures later, and nick named you something fabulous like Vomitorium? Well, this is worse. And you're helpless, and mostly naked while it happens. You might pee. You may get queasy and puke. You could even shit yourself. On the floor. While trying to crawl to the bathroom. You see, when those contractions hit? All bets are off. Prepare for a humiliating time of it.
- Are you still modest? Oooh, too bad. See, your legs are spread wide for all and sundry to see. Clear shot right down main street, boys. Doctors, nurses, random people who wander into your room. If you have any concerns, voice them before hand. Then wait while the doctor lies and says it's not that bad.
- Here's the deal on the head. It's a specific size. You're a specific size. You stretch, of course. But, the head doesn't shrink, so if something doesn't fit, guess what is the first to go?
- I think most mom's go into labor expecting something. Fast, mostly pain free, with a beautiful, clean baby at the end. In reality, pain free births are a myth. Breathing? Sure, it might help make you light headed enough to dull the pain. But you WILL experience pain. And fast? Yes, some are fast. You are more likely to have a shorter labor with each consecutive child. What does that mean? Expect to spend 12+ hours slaving away during labor with your first.
And that little tid bit? You should also keep this in mind. Not all bodies and labors are alike. You may wind up giving birth in 2 hours on your first shot. You may wind up in labor for 36 hours with your 4th kid. Oh, and clean babies? That's hilarious. Don't mind the cottage cheese all over your child when you first hold them. Yes, they clean some of it up right away, but depending on how fast you want to hold the child, you may wind up with cottage cheese.
- Healthy babies. We all want one, but be prepared for a surprise ending. And if you do get that surprise? It's all right to be upset. It's normal to cry. You don't have to smile and say, "It's fine!". Because when you spend 9 months expecting a perfectly healthy little baby, and you get a last minute surprise, you have no time to plan for it.
It's a shock, and you need time to mourn what you were expecting. Take that time, or you'll be a basket case.
- The color of your kid may be blue. I had one of those. They wouldn't let me see or hold him at first. So... be prepared for that.
- Oh, and after you're done? You've got your baby in your arms, you're cooing, ooing, and aahing. Meanwhile, Dr is stitching torn skin, shoving on your belly, and delivering your placenta. It hurts. Maybe not -as- badly as shoving a squirming baby through your cootch, but still... not pleasant
- Then is the afer care. If you had a vaginal delivery, expect it to HURT when you pee. For like 2 weeks. At least. And wiping? Eegads. Skip it and use a squirt bottle of water. Seriously. And you probably won't poop for a few days. They'll give you stool softners for that, and trust me- you WANT to take those.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Most businesses are in the 21st century now, and know that to be successful, you should have several lines available, right? So why is it busy? I kept trying back. I kept getting a busy signal.
Now, obviously if you're reading this now, you know my interwebs eventually came back up. I think it was 4 hours from when I got up, but no clue what time it actually died at this morning.
All y'all out there that bitch about Comcast? I'll trade you.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Mostly, we just don't fucking want to mow the lawn ourselves. It's a fairly large yard, but even with our crappy push mower, it only takes maybe an hour to do.
So this morning, I decided to cut off the "Must be playing video games or watching tv or surfing the net" mentality all 3 kids have grown accustomed to. Once noon hit, the cord was severed. Clean, go to the park, do things, enjoy the summer day, but for the love of my fucking sanity get off the damn screens!
After a while, I assigned chores. M2 got mow the lawn.
I should have known we'd be in trouble when I had to start and then restart the mower within 10 minutes. Then started the bathroom breaks- 4 times already, and he's not even done in the backyard.
It sort of looks like aliens landed, and performed crop zig zags in our yard. This way, that way, never a straight line, and never a back and forth line. Streak one way, quarter turn, streak a whole different way. Never shall the two ways meet. He's mowing with perfect synchronicity. (Yes, spell check, it is to a fucking word with meaning! It even has it's own fucking Wikipedia page!)
I keep listening for the mower, and keep.... you know.... not fucking hearing it. So, I watched him. He starts the mower. He takes TWO steps. He stops. Picks up imaginary stick. Starts the mower. Takes 3 steps. Stops. Takes 5 minute pee break. Picks up invisible rocks. Walks around the mower playing with the handle. Starts it. Takes a step. Stops. I think we've gone through a whole tank of gas doing it this way. Next year? I invest in a non-power mower. You know, one of those push doo-dads.
My yard looks like how Picasso probably would paint a yard. I tried to take pictures. Not sure how well they worked. On the camera, it all just looked green.
Ahh... the sweet sound of the mower turning off. That kid is seriously all about the "Must pick up every imaginary and invisible item out there.
And also? When thesaurusing the word "invisible" for more options, I find that one option is Confused.
Like.... "That stick over there is confused!"
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Anyway, so I pull in, and there's this truck parked right by me. I pulled out my nifty new Bloggie camera, and took some video. Then I noticed the dude was IN the truck, so I abruptly halted, and made it look like I was checking my phone or something. People pretty much thought I was fucked in the head. Probably right, damn them.
On the way out, I noticed no one was in the truck, so I resumed videoing it. Then after I walked past it, I heard some loud people coming closer. After I got to my car, I realized it was the owners of the lovely vehicle. They were staring at me.
But, it's like... dude, if you didn't want your truck seen, why'd you put a 4 foot tall wooden sign about Jesus in the back end like a roving bill board?
I told Spouse about it.
Spouse: Can't take you anywhere. Even when I'm not with you I feel that way.
Me: It was epic. True Story.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
- Imitation Meat Sticks (AKA Slim Jims)- CHECK
- Imitation Fruit Flavored Sugar Bites (AKA Fruit Snacks)- CHECK
- Pomegranate Margarita- CHECK CHECK and CHECK
- Girls night out Thursday
- Wedding Friday
- GETTING DRUNK Saturday
- Senior Portraits Sunday
Friday, August 5, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
As we started watching, I marveled at the extreme coincidence involved in two people being stranded in the desert in front of the pyramids, when someone they know (who does NOT live in said desert, or even said country) comes pedaling up on a bike out of no where.
Now, this isn't like going to the mall. This is two people (one from America, one from England) going out into the middle of no where to see the Pyramids, and being stranded when their camels are stolen. No one else was there- just these two. Then, here comes person 3 from yet another country, riding up on a bike to save the day.
I'm not going to discount the theory that someone else was visiting the pyramids. What I am questioning, is the fact that they knew the dude personally. And this was set back in the early 1900's, long before the over crowding of today.
It got me ranting, and Spouse laughing, though, so he pointed out that this came from the same genius that brought us face melting light from the Ark of the Covenant, still beating torn out hearts in the Voodoo laden one, and a Knight that has survived a ga-jillion years protecting a cup.
I pointed out that A) no one has found the Ark, so how do we know it won't melt faces off when people find it? B) We don't live in Voodoo areas- how do we know it hasn't happened? And C) Again, no one has found the Holy Grail. Who knows just who or what is protecting it? It could be Big Foot for all we know.
That makes those movies completely plausible in a big way, for me. Meeting someone you know in a completely empty desert in the middle of podunkville? Not in the realm of plausibility.
Spouse: Well, what about the aliens in the Crystal Monkey Butt movie?
Me: Oh, fuck no. That shit was just stupid. I mean really, aliens? Please. The brainchild who thought up random ass desert hook up's brought us the aliens.
And then he proceeded to sleep peacefully all night while I laid there with sand paper eyelids, and a brain that went over 100 weird ass scenarios. Like when everyone on Earth disappears, but forgets and leaves me behind. In the middle of a tubing trip down a full river. Fuckers.
*Disclaimer: I may or may not have been watching way too much of Life After People, mixed in with 1,000 Ways to Die. I told you I've run out of Netflix stuff. If you have any movie or show suggestions, drop em in the comment box.