Ways To Fuck With Your Teen - Part 2. I think.

Late last night, I was wandering around the gloriously insane world that is my Twitter feed, and someone linked a picture from a blog. Of course, I clicked. What good are links, if they are not clicked. For example, I bet you didn't know that Monkey Porn actually exists. No, not fake, cartoon Monkey Porn. Real live, "it happened at a zoo" Monkey Porn. If you clicked any of that, then now you know. You're welcome. (Psst... for those of you who keep clicking, I'm just fucking with you by posting the same link 3 times).

What I found when I clicked the Twitter link, however, was nothing short of a little funny. Then I noticed that the pate was titled "How To Be A Dad", and I was intrigued. See, Spouse has this friend at work, who is going to be a first time dad soon. And I think he may be a little under-prepared for all the fun that he'll soon be having with said child.

I found what appears at first glance to be a hilarious outtake into life as a father of young children. Baby sized and toddler sized children. You know, when they're the most fun, and you're at the weakest point in your life- at the mercy of baby and toddler sized demonic people.

One particular post got me thinking. This would work just as well to keep a crabby teenager busy, as it does to keep a sleep deprived father busy.

Chocolate Chipless Chocolate Chip Cookies.

I am looking forward to the look on my Minion's face when I hand her a roll of cookie dough, and tell her to pick out the chips. And also, I just really want to hear her bitching about me in the background.

I'm like... the BEST mother EVER.

In Which I Had A Dream

No, not a speech dream. Just a sleep dream. I have some very vivid dreams from time to time. Lately, they've been taking a break, but last night's dream came back in vivid clarity. So, yeah, you have to hear all about it. Because I'm awesome.

As you all know, I recently did the Crim race. Well, I walked the Crim race. This has affected my brain. Mostly.

The dream started off with me doing a photo shoot for M1's friend, who is a Senior this year. She had asked M1 if I could, and if I would allow Snakes. Well, hell no, I won't allow snakes- sorry! But, tarantulas? Sure, if she can keep them under control.

So the dream starts with me meeting this girl at a very... um... abandoned area of a big ass city. Empty houses, empty factories, etc. I'm sure if I peeked, there was a human torture-like area set up in one of them, ala "Hostel". I didn't peek.

The girl was running off with a group of friends, pissed at her parents for losing the tarantula who was going to be in the photos. They took off into the woods, while the dad was toting around a sofa by dragging it with one hand. Yes, a sofa. No, I don't use sofa's outside in my photos- mostly cause I A) don't have one, and B) don't have a vehicle to transport it with. The micromachines are not made for sofas.

I chased after the girls, trying to get them to come back, then finally said I was done running, if they wanted pictures, they'd get back to where I was. By the time I got back to the Hostel-esque area, they were there and waiting for me. I did some photos, then she was all, "Let's take some inside the abandoned house!"

I was all, "But people might live there!" and she was all, "No, they're empty, come on!" So we did- and some really old dude started screaming at us for trying to get into his house, which would have made Hoarders proud with the amounts of trash in it.

We wandered off, and found an old post office where I conveniently got my mail from. Score. Then, she saw a trampoline out back and was all, "let's take pictures there!"

OOOoook... so we took pictures out there- only now, we were all wearing some weird sort of school uniforms. Sure, why not. Some guys came up, and asked if I was going to be in the big race. Sure, I said. I followed them into a classroom, where we were given a list of rules- where we could go, where we couldn't go, things we had to do while running, etc.

It was a team effort- I had to stay with my team, or be kicked off, but when we started running, I realized I had on old winter boots with like a big 3 inch rubber heel on them. I tried explaining that I couldn't race in those, and that I would never make it to the end, but they didn't listen.

Luckily, the streets the race went on was lined with yard sales. I totally pissed my team off by searching for a pair of shoes. It took like 4 sales, but I finally found a pair- 1 shoe was like a size 10, and the other was a bit small for my foot, but they totally worked.

By then, the team mates had abandoned me, because they were pissed that we were losing all because I couldn't show up in the right shoes.

-sigh- My dreams are FUCKED UP. And sadly? Not the most odd dream I've ever had. In fact? It was surprisingly coherent and based in reality.

The CRIM & Monday's Words of Wisdom

You lost me at Carrots, which was the first draft of "You Had Me At Hello" - Lorelai

And, since I did a feat of finishing a 10 mile race, I thought I'd pat myself on the damn back for a bit.

I fucking LIVED through the Crim. For those who know me IRL, you probably know that back in the day, I was fucking athletic, and shit. Track, cheerleading (I. Know.), gymnastics, dance- I did it all, and loved it. Then I  had kids, and moved, and got depressed, and found a new habit of sitting on my ass.

But, I did finish the 10 miles. I didn't do much running. 99.95% was walking. But, I did jog a few times here and there, and at the end, I ran across that damn finish line. And after I did, I felt like crying my fucking eyes out. Seriously, tears were burning.  It hurt, everything hurt. I was so tired. 

I am proud of myself for doing it, and even though I told C several times through out that I hated her, I'm glad she made me do it. But, for the record? Never again without at least some training. Stamina wise, I was fine. But my legs were threatening to fall off around Mile 8. At that point, I honestly didn't think I'd make it.

And I didn't really drink much beer. And also? C fucking lied- no donuts! WTH?? I did pick up a jello shot (yuck- the dude DID call them an experiment, though, so I should have known), and some road-side bacon. Yes, bacon. I have that shit on video for later. 

Today, I have opted just to not walk. It hurts really bad to walk- the backs of my knees feel like they want to explode. My ankles hurt exceedingly.

And now, for your viewing pleasure---

And the Oops, I forgot to add that! video.

Mostly? I'm just really glad it's done, and I survived, and can brag about it. Like in 10 years when people are all, "You're fat, get up off the damn sofa and GET ACTIVE", and I can be all, "Remember that time I did a 10 mile race? MY FEET STILL HURT!!"

Real Conversations: The Crim, Revisited.

A while back, C tried talking me into doing a 10 mile "Walk". I was like OOOOOH Hell no. Then, I got out of it by virtue of a family event. Said event was canceled. Now, she's trying to talk me back into it.

 C: When do you leave for the wedding?

Me: Postponed for a while.

C: OOOO, you can run the crim with me then.  :) Love it.

Me: And also? No. I am NOT running the Crim with you. Cause I'd probably die.

C: I have not trained either. If anything it's more fun than anything we can get nice and drunk (the Crim serves BEER on the race way)

C: PLEASE ~ it will be a blast. Plus u get awayf rom the kids...

Me: And die from heat exhaustion. How much is it?

C: $42 now and I can register Friday night.

Me: Have you NOT registered yet? Cause for $42, we can drive up to Mackinaw, and let Hot Dave get us drunk.

C: No, I have.

Me: Loser

C: I know. U would have fun. We have to meet at my mom's house at 6:45(AM?!@?!?!?!) to mae it to the race with some time.

Me: You realize I would have a heart attack and DIE, and never see Hot Dave again, right?

C: You would go to heave with lots of hot shirtless dudes.

Me: But not Hot Dave. He'd be loooonely up in Mackinaw.

C: http://media.photobucket.com/image/male%20angel/amcaragdag/angel-2.jpg?o=50

C: http://media.photobucket.com/image/male%20angel/jc20071976/untitled2.jpg?o=27

Me: That last one is WAY too girly in the face.

Me: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C4D-OUR734w/TlVlSJBlsYI/AAAAAAAAAUg/6rcDsbLsRNw/s1600/P8194501.JPG

C:  Ok, he is HOT! Married? GF?

Me: Married- and that photo? Does NOT do him justice. He kind of looks weird in that pic. He is FAR hotter in person. And his arms are like... huge and muscley.

C: Did you ask bartender Dave if he strips?

Me: No. Jesus, I need to get in shape again. Then I can be skinny and hot next summer when I go. :p

C: Run with me on sat. That's a start.

Me: No, that race is for dying.

C: Gee, thanks!

Me: Hey, if you die on Saturday, can I have your craft supplies?

C: Great, someone rooting for me to die. LOL. Love it.

Me: No, not rooting, just making sure your "will" is taken care of if you die. Alcohol, dehydration, running 5 miles when you haven't trained at all? Not liking your odds.

C: It's 10 miles, not 5.

Me: But hey, look on the bright side. If you die, you never got "old" like me.

Me: Gee, that makes t ALL better.

C: So you wanna go 10 miles with me? You know you want to.

Me: Like I want a hole in my head. I don't even own shoes that would make it 10 miles, let alone my feet.

C: A reaosn to shop tomorrow. It will be fun. You said you would if you did not have the wedding.

Me: Yes. I lied. I don't do running.

C: Mine is more like a fast drag, not a run.

Me: A fast drag? Like we can sit down and do that shit?

C: Sure if you wanted.

Me: OOO... There was a wheel chair for sale at GW a few weeks ago. If I get that, will you push me? Double the work out- arms and legs.

C: Ummmmmm- Probably not. The wheelers go at a different time.

Me: Well, there goes that strategy.

C: Yup. Just suck it up and walk it.

Me: It's free, right? Cause I can afford free.

C: LOL. U are rich, don't try and fool me.

Me: How much is it, then? Is it free to walk if I don't have a stupid number on my back?

C: LOL You can't. It's $42 if you register Fri. $50 on Satu.

Me: The walking police going to arrest me?

Me: $50 #($&()&$)_ Dollars to die???

 And that is the story of how I might almost be guilted talked into walking 10 miles today. If you never hear from me again, you'll know I died.

In a related note, C is unwilling to walk 5 miles with me in an event next weekend. It's just an itty bitty little 5 mile bridge.

Bad Parenting Advice: Pissing Karma Off

I have been trying to write a post about about the recent Hot Saucing event in Alaska. I can't do it. Not without getting preachy, and I fucking hate preachy people. I know that what she did was horrible, and inexcusable. I also know that no matter how I try to spin it, I get bitter, angry, and pissed off.

So, instead, I'm just going to get preachy with a bottle of Smirnoff tonight, and imagine all the insane ways that life will deal with her. Like all of her hair will fall out. For no reason. And she'll suddenly gain 200 pounds even though she's starving herself. And maybe her car will break down daily, during rush hour, when her cell phone is dead.

Karma is a fucking bitch, lady, and you just pissed her off. Way to go.

Photos From Mackinaw & More

I wanted to give you some visual idea's of just what all we did on vacation, so here ya'll are.  

Nearly Wordless Not-Wednesday.

I met Santa, ya'll. In a bar. Even Santa needs a summer job in this economy!

Wicked storm- it started across the bridge, and followed us back to Mack. City. The skies were black in parts, and bright blue in other parts. The bridge disappeared because of how hard the rain was coming down across the bridge. 5 minutes after it stopped, skies were bright blue again.

Getting Drunk in Mackinaw City

This past June, Spouse, Minions, and I went up to Mackinaw City for a family vacation. Because I'm a stay at home mom, we plan out every penny, and save for months so that we can actually do something big like that for everyone.

Despite being a "wildly popular" blogger, I don't make any money at this- shit I make doesn't sell, I don't have any paid advertisers, and oddly, Disney hasn't come knocking at my door to pay me to blog about a fantastic vacation yet.

I do, however, make some decent spending money online doing -actual- work. From January to June, I saved and saved, and took my family on a fun vacation. One so fun, in fact, I had zero desire to leave said vacation. We met up with Spouse's aunt, uncle, and cousins up there, and us grown up adult like women went drinking one night.

Because I was driving, we pulled in to the bar, and I said, "Ok, just 2 drinks for me, and that's it." Well, thanks to Hot Ass Bartender Dave, those two drinks knocked me on my ass. I couldn't walk, much less even attempt to drive after said experience. So, we did what any responsible adults would do- called and arranged for my directionally challenged Spouse to come get us later in the evening, and kept on drinking.

Dave hooked us UP all night. Awesome drinks, and low prices. He was attentive, but not hitting on the tourists in a creepy way. He was just nice- and fun to talk with. He has a wife, and has been married for as long as Spouse and I.

We wound up going back another time on that trip, this time with all the adults (minus aunt & uncle), and had a merry old time.

C even suggested that Spouse (Sober Sally for the night) just go ahead and park his nice Trail Blazer in the lake. He assured us he had good insurance, but sadly for all involved, Sober Sally was thinking with his brain, and not with his alcohol, so we parked in a regular old parking spot.

There are a few bars in Mackinaw City- namely the Dixie Saloon, O'Reilly's, and the Keyhole. After my most recent experience at the Keyhole, though, I will just say now that I don't recommend them. I've never drank at Dixie, but I have eaten there- highly over priced, very noisy (which plays hell on me, and gets my nerves riled- noise is one of my 'stress' points because everything starts feeling very chaotic when it's super noisy), slow service. Not a horrible place, just not a "Anna" place.

That leaves O'Reilly's. With Hot Ass Bartender Dave. Excuse me a moment while I drool. Ok, I'm back.

We wound up going 3 times this time around, and I'm happy we did. He actually remembered E and I, though in retrospect, when we get together, it's fairly hard to forget us. We're loud and fun. And we laugh a lot. At each other, other people, and random stupid shit.

 Me, kneeling and bending over the bar to talk to Hot Ass Bartender Dave. In my defense, I was paying our tab, was semi-drunk off less than a drink and a half, AND I was giving him a card to this site and explaining that he'd soon be featured on here. Ha- I told you, Dave. Yer famous now. And also? Yes, my ass really IS that big.

I told him to do something totally gay. He threw up a peace sign. He's still totally hot. And those arms? HELLO! He also has a totally nice ass. And a wife. Lucky woman.

Going to be in Mackinaw City, MI? Look for the 3 story stone building attached to the 3 story Log Cabin looking Dixie Saloon. It's near Shepler's ferry, right at the joining spot of the Shopping Strip and the Hotel Strip. Dave works nights. Sit at the bar, and enjoy the company of both locals, and tourists.

E and I at the bar, probably a few drinks in. We have such fun!

So, to reiterate... If you are in MC, go to O'Reilly's, talk to Dave, and get DAHRUUUUUNK. Just make sure you have a Sober Sally, or the place you are staying is in walking distance.

*Wildly popular meaning in my head, I have thousands of die hard fans, not... you know, 3.

The Keyhole Curse

On our first night inn town, E, C, M and I all decided to go to a small bar called the Keyhole. On our last trip up on June, we went one night and loved it. Great food, good service, decent drinks, and prices. And also? They totally run with the KEY theme. The entire place- tables, walls, bar, etc, are covered in keys. Never lose your keys here. They'll never find them.

 

We were hungry, and there are not that many options for a sit down restaurant in Mackinaw City, so we went there.

Let me just start out by saying our waitress, TRACEY, was a flipping mess. Delivered menus immediately, and kind of threw coasters at us. Then, she came back about 15 minutes later to take our orders. Once she delivered the food, we had jack for service. Every last person had an empty glass sitting at the end of the table. We tried to flag her down a few times, but she kept turning he head away from us. WTH, TRACEY????

We finally got her attention- by then, it had been at least 20 minutes since she was at our table last. She seemed very put out that we would DARE ask for refills. Once she got them for us, she took off again. We had to wait to flag her down for the bill, even though all our food was gone by the time she brought refills.

After that, in order to pay my bill, I went directly up to the bar and flagged her ass down. She was not happy. She never said anything, just grabbed my card, ran it, and dropped it. No thank you, no have a nice day, no friggen smile.

I wrote out my "tip" on a coaster.

We left without adding a tip of any kind for her on my card. There was a very small cash tip at the table, though. This coaster was left with the tip.

The next day, I was looking over my finances, and found that my bill from the Keyhole was for $8.60 over what my bill actually was. Now, remember, i stiffed the bitch for a tip on the card. 

I called the establishment up, and all I said was, "I was in last night, and today, I think my bill was over charged." the guy knew exactly what happened, and said it had been happening randomly all summer, and that i had to deal directly with my bank about it.

When i called the bank, they found that very odd, since the charge had to be manually added on when the card is being run. On top of that, she thought it odd that the bar wouldn't deal with it on their end. She did tell me i would have to wait, as it was a pending payment, and it couldn't be disputed until it went through fully.

Fine, whatever.

We went on Wed. Charge was on Thur. Now, it's Friday now, and i find that after a night at another bar (this time complete with drinks...), my keys are GONE.

Luckily, they were found in my car at the bar (no, I didn't drive... Dave the hot ass bartender made sure to get me drunk enough to need a ride home). But, i realized that this whole mess????

Totally the damn Keyhole Curse. Keys missing? After a rotten, documented experience at the Keyhole? 

I call shannanigans.

Friday night, we went on a paranormal tour. One of the stops? The Keyhole Bar. I totally called it! Shitty service, bad tip? You get haunted. This may not have been the story exactly, but I'm sure that's what happened.

Words of Wisdom

You know what happens when you assume? - Michel

What? - Lorelai

I don't know. Something about a donkey. Stupid American phrase. - Michel

My life is over. Thanks, Facebook!

Posting from the past. It's totally fun, you should try it some time.


Tonight* I was fixing something on Facebook. I needed to add something to the photo descriptions for 10 photos. By the 4th one, I realized the description on the current one had completely changed. It was mirroring the description of the photo before it.

I thought... WTH?

I fixed it, and moved on to the next one, and realized that as soon as I hit EDIT, it changed all of the information to that of the photo before it. It -anticipated- what I wanted to add, because the update was added as well.

It fucking KNEW what I wanted to post without me typing it. How fucking scary is that? Is it because FB has gotten so fucking smart, it can predict shit? Or am I just a really fucking predictable fuckwad? Was it all kicking back going, "Fuck... here she goes again. Let's just fucking save her some time and do this for her."

Sure, it was adding shit in there I didn't want, but still... pretty fucking creepy. Thanks Facebook, now I'm going to have nightmares.

Pretty soon, I anticipate that Facebook will be posting our status updates AS we fucking think that shit up. We might not even be thinking OF Facebook, but sure enough, we'll think something really stupid, and 5 friends, 3 relatives, and Al Gore will call up and condemn us for having such thoughts.

Source: The Onion

Fuck. My life is over. 

There are thoughts in my head that no person should ever be subject to. Even me.

After writing this, I went in to tell Spouse about what happened. While I was talking to him, a minivan filled with people cruised really slow by the front of our house, with the back sliding door wide open, and people all staring at our house. They stopped in front of the house for a few moments, then crept around the corner, still staring at us.

I locked the door, and M1 asked what I was doing. I told her I didn't want no crazy ass perverts storming the house. That shit would be on facebook long before the police find our bodies.

Also, to the perverts who just* cruised our house? Seriously, I'n not available for in person meet and greets. You get in line, and email me like all** the other crazies.




*Tonight & Just being a loose term in the relevance of time. It was "Tonight" when I wrote this, but since I'm posting all super cool and shit from the past, it was like about a week ago. Such is the conundrum of the Space Time Continuim. Contiuam? FUCKING HELL HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?!?! Continuum. Huh. Who knew it was with 2 U's? Google and Spell Check. And also nerds.

**All being a loose term meaning the one person who emailed me to share the EXCITING news of her company's new Mermaid toy set, thinking I'd fucking be interested in that shit. And when I asked what the entire purpose of the post was, she was hoping I'd post that crap to my page with zero compensation. No coupons, no photos of Pheobe Price modeling a batman outfit while on the off-Red carpet, no free toy. Just, "Be my bitch, please!"

My Minor Obsession

Those of you who know me, the real me, may have noticed over the years that I have a small... minor... tiny little obsession with going to Disney World.

In fact, I'm sitting in my damn Disney fund right now. The last time I tried to save up money for Disney, we realized the housing market had crashed big time (Michigan was WAY ahead of the curve there.... Thanks Granholm!), and so, we took the money I had saved up (like $2000- but, as a SAHM using ONLY my own earnings, that was a decent little chunk), and bought a house, instead.

And I'm not bitter. At all. Really.

Friend K (as opposed to Brother K, and Cousin K who both make an occasional appearance here..) has been setting aside her pennies for a few months, and just booked her trip. And I realized... I really fucking want to go! M1 is almost 16. M3 is almost 10. That's old! They're all old enough to go. Hell, M1 is old enough to baby sit the other two while Spouse and I go out one night down there.

I know, Disnification is like... the opposite of my whole Rant At The World thing I have going on here. But, really? It's just a fantastic little slice of heaven, and I want to go back before I die.

When I was in HS, I was part of a dance group that got to dance at Walt Disney World one day in June. We got to fly down there (me, at 17, without parents... how cool is that??), and we stayed for like 4 days. I fell hard for that place.

The bigger than life colors, and buildings, and characters! The ONLY thing I hated, was that I was down there the week before Pocahontas came out in theaters. The entire place was all Indian'd out. You couldn't walk 5 feet without seeing Pocahontas staring at you. I hated Pocahontas for that alone.... until M1 was like 2, and it was the ONLY thing she would sit still for. Girl LOVED her Pocahontas in a BIG way.

Anyway, here's the start of that little obsession again, though I know it won't actually happen. But, as long as neither of the micromachine's blow up, and I keep my online earnings pretty stable, it would only take me 11 months to earn the amount we need. Less if we use bonuses towards it.

My goal would be a trip around February 2013, so... uh... we totally fucking have time to plan it. And hopefully even pay for it. Committing this to print? Totally fucks my plan over, so ya'll know in February 2013, I'll be sitting here bitching about the trip that might have been.

Real Conversations: Kitty Porn

2 of our 4 cats are staring up the stairs. For long periods of time.

Spouse: What are the cats staring at?

Me: I don't know, Giaa's up there licking herself. (Giaa being a cat, you pervs)

Spouse: Yeah, that takes talent. Definitely something worth watching.

Me: Hehehe... It's Kitty Porn.

Spouse: ...... Heh. Yeah, all right. Where else can you mention Kitty Porn and Pussy in the same sentance without getting arrested?

Ahh... Vacation

So, August is a busy month. 3 weddings, back to school crap, a visit from my FIL, a 4 day mini-vacation, a family reunion, a baby shower, etc.

It seems like I don't have time to breath, much less post the thoughts in my head. I have had some funny shit happen, but of course, by the time I sit down and reflect on it, half of the whole thing is missing.

This week, I'm gone again, on a Spouse Free, Kid Free vacation. Back in June, after saving up for 6 freakin months, we took the kids on vacation up north. It's my favorite area of Michigan. Just beautiful up there- as long as it's not winter, and I don't have to stay when it's -30 with a whipping wind chill, that is.

When it came time to leave, I just did not want to leave. I postponed it through out the day, but we finally had to leave. Well, Spouse and I discussed then and there letting me go back- alone. Alone?? Really? HELL YES, sign me the fuck up!

So, while I didn't mention it before, I'm fucking GONE right now, without the ability to post. My fucking ipad is useless against Blogger's posting script. But, I plan to email myself full posts while I'm up here.

I'll be home soon. In the mean time, enjoy the view from where I am. Glad you're not here!

I am TOTALLY getting one of these shirts this time. I just don't know if I should be "Drunk" or "Bitch"... And also kind of wondering where "Drunk Bitch" is...

Words of Wisdom

Normally, I quote the Gilmore Girls, but this one just couldn't sit idly by and be ignored. This was a completely random thing that popped out of M3's mouth, out of nowhere, and for no reason.

That butterfly poops glitter! - Minion 3

So, you think you want to give birth..

Warning. This shit is about to get graphic, so if ya'll are squeamish, or not into the beauty of labor? See ya!

16 years ago, I was pregnant. And also fucking ignorant. Seriously, totally ignorant. With all the books there are on the topic, and all the other mother's there are in the world, you'd think more information would be shared openly.

How wrong I was. Everyone says it hurts. "Oh, it'll hurt like hell, but it's worth it!" along with "You won't even remember what it felt like!"


All right, I'll man up and do it. I call fucking bullshit. 15 years down the road, I recall the pain. Gut wrenching, ass burning, skin tearing pain. What was that? Yes, I said skin tearing.

I walked in blind with my first birth. I anticipated some pain. I had no idea. And worse- they gave me an epidural! Not that I have anything at all against that. In fact, I think it should be required for all births. Totally. Except in some instances, when the mom needs a good slap up side the head that the pain provides.

No, my problem with the epidural is that it worked beautifully. I had all 3 kids in different hospitals, in different cities, with different doctors. And the only favorable one was that first one, when I had an epidural. See, with my second labor, my doctor was no where to be found, despite being on call IN the hospital. I was there for 5 hours before she waltzed in, and by then? Oops- too late! No epidural.

And with number 3? Oh... number 3. I shot her out like a speeding freight train. 3 hours of both labor and delivery, and there she was. So, for that one? No time to epidural them.

Now, coincidently, M1 is the calmest of the 3 kids. M2 and M3 both have Asperger's Syndrome, which pretty much makes them total pains in the ass from time to time. Coincidence? Hmm.... They were pains in the ass from birth onward.

But this post is all about the truths of giving birth. So let me educate you. M1? This shit is for you. Cause I have no plans to be a Grandma before I'm 50. So, read, imagine, and remember.

1. When they say it's going to hurt like hell? Remember the most painful moment of your life. Amplify it by about 500. Then, amplify it some more. It starts off small. You think, "Oh, I GOT this." Then the contraction wraps around you, building up, building up, building up, then BAM. You just start screaming. And then it slowly winds down. It happens every minute or two for anywhere from 2 hours to 20 hours. Without break.
   
2. Your body WILL let loose with all sorts of shit you don't want seen. To clarify- you remember that first kegger you went to when you were a teen, and you over indulged? Then you puked EVERYWHERE, and they showed you pictures later, and nick named you something fabulous like Vomitorium? Well, this is worse. And you're helpless, and mostly naked while it happens. You might pee. You may get queasy and puke. You could even shit yourself. On the floor. While trying to crawl to the bathroom. You see, when those contractions hit? All bets are off. Prepare for a humiliating time of it.
   
3. Are you still modest? Oooh, too bad. See, your legs are spread wide for all and sundry to see. Clear shot right down main street, boys. Doctors, nurses, random people who wander into your room. If you have any concerns, voice them before hand. Then wait while the doctor lies and says it's not that bad.
   
4. Here's the deal on the head. It's a specific size. You're a specific size. You stretch, of course. But, the head doesn't shrink, so if something doesn't fit, guess what is the first to go?
   
5. I think most mom's go into labor expecting something. Fast, mostly pain free, with a beautiful, clean baby at the end. In reality, pain free births are a myth. Breathing? Sure, it might help make you light headed enough to dull the pain. But you WILL experience pain. And fast? Yes, some are fast. You are more likely to have a shorter labor with each consecutive child. What does that mean? Expect to spend 12+ hours slaving away during labor with your first.
   
   And that little tid bit? You should also keep this in mind. Not all bodies and labors are alike. You may wind up giving birth in 2 hours on your first shot. You may wind up in labor for 36 hours with your 4th kid. Oh, and clean babies? That's hilarious. Don't mind the cottage cheese all over your child when you first hold them. Yes, they clean some of it up right away, but depending on how fast you want to hold the child, you may wind up with cottage cheese.
   
6. Healthy babies. We all want one, but be prepared for a surprise ending. And if you do get that surprise? It's all right to be upset. It's normal to cry. You don't have to smile and say, "It's fine!". Because when you spend 9 months expecting a perfectly healthy little baby, and you get a last minute surprise, you have no time to plan for it.
   
   It's a shock, and you need time to mourn what you were expecting. Take that time, or you'll be a basket case.
   
7. The color of your kid may be blue. I had one of those. They wouldn't let me see or hold him at first. So... be prepared for that.
   
8. Oh, and after you're done? You've got your baby in your arms, you're cooing, ooing, and aahing. Meanwhile, Dr is stitching torn skin, shoving on your belly, and delivering your placenta. It hurts. Maybe not -as- badly as shoving a squirming baby through your cootch, but still... not pleasant
   
9. Then is the afer care. If you had a vaginal delivery, expect it to HURT when you pee. For like 2 weeks. At least. And wiping? Eegads. Skip it and use a squirt bottle of water. Seriously. And you probably won't poop for a few days. They'll give you stool softners for that, and trust me- you WANT to take those.

Off the top of my head, I can't think of anything else that just HAS to be shared. Just know this- it is the most painful experience of your life. Until you deliver a quarter sized kidney stone, that is. Cause that? It comes out a MUCH smaller hole.

And all of this? Written because I'm heading over to a baby shower right now. Had to get it out of my system before I scar the poor girl for life. It's her first. 

Charter vs. Comcast vs. Broadstripe

About 5 years ago, Spouse, Minions and I all lived up north in a crappy little College town. The town was also the location of an Indian Reservation. The entire town was either geared towards the tourists that come to town to gamble, or the college kids who don’t give a squat about the town.

Where did that leave us for family? Pretty much no where. While we lived up there, we got to experience the JOY and THRILL of having Charter for both cable and internet. It was shitty. They were the only way to get cable at the time, and they pretty much bent you over and gave you the shaft. Expensive, horrible service, and if you were a day late, they shut your ass down.

Four years ago, we moved to a much bigger, more centrally located town when Spouse got a new job. We got Comcast cable and internet. Now, I know a lot of people bag on them, but we had a great experience with them. Our internet and cable were always up and running, and crystal clear. If it went down, they were available on the phone, and giving us an update as soon as it happened.

My ONLY complaint with Comcast, is that if we went and paid the bill in person, we had a ‘counter payment’ fee added on. But, overall, we loved the service. And got really used to all the free on-demand they had. Up in shitty college/Indian town, the only on-demand they had at all, were advertisements for shows on premium channels.

Three years ago, we took the plunge, and bought a house. It was in a small, family oriented town. The only choice for cable and internet was a small company called Broadstripe.

Now, just so we’re clear, I’m not getting fucking paid to post this shit.

Broadstripe. Where do I start? How about the day it was installed, and the guy had no idea what he was doing? He was under our house for two hours trying to figure out how exactly to hook up both internet and cable. Apparently the people before us used land lines, not a cable modem.

He finally got it, though- then left, and both the internet and cable immediately left with him. It took several days to get him back to fix it. Turned out, he accidentally pulled a wire or something.

Over the next year or two, we had constant problems. If it was windy, internet was down. If it was a day ending in Y, internet was crappy, slow, and occasionally down. We called tech support I don’t know how many times. We finally stopped calling them, because the tech support group is only 2 people, and neither of them know how to provide any support past, “Did you unplug it for 5 minutes?” and “It’s probably your router.”

We replaced the modem and the router. Still happening. Finally they came out, and realized that their wires running to the house were shitty. It took them almost 2 years to realize that.

We now have faster and slightly more reliable internet. But not by much. And still, calling them is fucking useless. Why? Because it’s still those same two guys working tech support with no clear knowledge of how to support technology.

Take right now, for example. Or rather, take XXXX amount of hours ago, for example. I’m typing this post up in a word document, because our internet has been down all day. Just a mocking, blinking light on the modem. After doing ALL of their suggested tech support moves, I decided to call them. I got a busy signal. What. The. Hell.

Most businesses are in the 21^st century now, and know that to be successful, you should have several lines available, right? So why is it busy? I kept trying back. I kept getting a busy signal.

In my head, I pictured the receptionist with the phone off the hook, curled in a ball under her desk biting her nails till her fingers bleed, just to STOP THE COMPLAINT CALLS! DEAR LORD, MAKE THEM STOP!

Spouse had another opinion, and said they likely lost their entire network, and as a cable company, probably did away with land lines, and use VoIP. What. The. Hell. In what brilliant mind, would a company that has downed internet on a weekly average, think that’s a brilliant move?

Whose brainchild idea was that?

So, it’s been about 3 hours since I woke up to find the interweb fairies stole my interwebs, and I can’t even call and bitch. Oh, but you better believe if this shit isn’t back by 5, I’ll be in the office pissed.

And this time, I actually mean it. My online business is something I take very seriously, and without the capability of checking in on it, it goes south quickly. I was able to let people know I’d be AFK today due to a CRAPTACULAR interwebs system, but still- I’m hosting an online event for the weekend that started yesterday- and no way to monitor it.

I’m gonna be pissed if I don’t have internet back somewhat soon.

Oh, snap. Phone just rang through- they’re currently advising me on taking a survey to improve business. Oh, I have some fucking suggestions, you ass wipes.

Huh. After their automated spiel, it rang once, then dead silence. You best believe next time I get through, I’ll be filling out that survey.

 Now, obviously if you're reading this now, you know my interwebs eventually came back up. I think it was 4 hours from when I got up, but no clue what time it actually died at this morning. 

All y'all out there that bitch about Comcast? I'll trade you. 

Cranky old man: SPEAK ENGLISH

Cranky old man: SPEAK ENGLISH

As I have long stood against the dumification of America, this post just spoke to me, in bright neon, laser beam green letters.

Real Conversations: Spouse

Spouse: trying to fill out a form, not sure what to put for enrollment date if it's for say, M2. (Random, pre-filled, not going to supply to you lot, form was linked here)

Spouse: not sure what they mean by first or last enrollment date.  any idea?

Spouse: The school enrollment date is the date a student initially receives educational services from a school during a period of continuous enrollment at a school. A separate enrollment date is required for each continuous period of enrollment at any given school. School enrollment dates are collected as part of the Wisconsin Student Number Locator System.

Spouse: so if I was using M2, that would be like... um...

Me: What in the hell is this for?

Spouse: Military Camp?

Me: .....

Me: dude.

Me: FUCKING AWESOME!

Then he crushed my hopes and dreams of that type by telling me that it wasn't, in fact, an application to Military School. Instead, it's for a discount on a new CPU. Apparently, if you have a student in the house, you get a discount, and a free xbox 360. Cause we -need- another.

I have explained before, haven't I, that we are technology HOOKED UP? 3 ps3's (though, to be fair, 1 of them only partially works- you can't use the disc portion), 2 360's, a WII, 3 DS's, 1 PSP, and several small, out of date systems?

Then, when I pegged M2's first day of Kindergarten down to the exact day, some 7 years later, he was really fucking impressed. So was I, to be honest. 

Also? I'm pretty sure this is how much fun ALL military schools are, and as such, I'd be remiss in my duties as a parent if I don't send my kids to these schools. Because I'm nothing, if not a caring parent.

Minion 2 Mows The Lawn

Right now, Minion 2 is in the back yard, "mowing the lawn". He's mowed at least two other times, and we've given him all the safety needed to know how to mow, and all the know how needed on mowing effeciantly.

Mostly, we just don't fucking want to mow the lawn ourselves. It's a fairly large yard, but even with our crappy push mower, it only takes maybe an hour to do.

So this morning, I decided to cut off the "Must be playing video games or watching tv or surfing the net" mentality all 3 kids have grown accustomed to. Once noon hit, the cord was severed. Clean, go to the park, do things, enjoy the summer day, but for the love of my fucking sanity get off the damn screens!

After a while, I assigned chores. M2 got mow the lawn.

I should have known we'd be in trouble when I had to start and then restart the mower within 10 minutes. Then started the bathroom breaks- 4 times already, and he's not even done in the backyard.

It sort of looks like aliens landed, and performed crop zig zags in our yard. This way, that way, never a straight line, and never a back and forth line. Streak one way, quarter turn, streak a whole different way. Never shall the two ways meet. He's mowing with perfect synchronicity. (Yes, spell check, it is to a fucking word with meaning! It even has it's own fucking Wikipedia page!)

I keep listening for the mower, and keep.... you know.... not fucking hearing it. So, I watched him. He starts the mower. He takes TWO steps. He stops. Picks up imaginary stick. Starts the mower. Takes 3 steps. Stops. Takes 5 minute pee break. Picks up invisible rocks. Walks around the mower playing with the handle. Starts it. Takes a step. Stops. I think we've gone through a whole tank of gas doing it this way. Next year? I invest in a non-power mower. You know, one of those push doo-dads.

My yard looks like how Picasso probably would paint a yard. I tried to take pictures. Not sure how well they worked. On the camera, it all just looked green.

Ahh... the sweet sound of the mower turning off. That kid is seriously all about the "Must pick up every imaginary and invisible item out there.

And also? When thesaurusing the word "invisible" for more options, I find that one option is Confused.

Like.... "That stick over there is confused!"

.....wth.

Jesus Saves!!

So the other day, I was pulling into White Trash Heaven (AKA The Walmart). Yes, I shop there. I've never hidden the fact that I'm totally white trash.

Anyway, so I pull in, and there's this truck parked right by me. I pulled out my nifty new Bloggie camera, and took some video. Then I noticed the dude was IN the truck, so I abruptly halted, and made it look like I was checking my phone or something. People pretty much thought I was fucked in the head. Probably right, damn them.

On the way out, I noticed no one was in the truck, so I resumed videoing it. Then after I walked past it, I heard some loud people coming closer. After I got to my car, I realized it was the owners of the lovely vehicle. They were staring at me.

But, it's like... dude, if you didn't want your truck seen, why'd you put a 4 foot tall wooden sign about Jesus in the back end like a roving bill board?


I told Spouse about it.

Spouse: OMG

Spouse: Can't take you anywhere. Even when I'm not with you I feel that way.

Me: It was epic. True Story.

Words of Wisdom

Reality has no place in our world! - Lorelai Gilmore

Where am I?

Well, if all goes well, this is posting right about the time I'm floating down the river, soused out of my mind.

• Imitation Meat Sticks (AKA Slim Jims)- CHECK
• Imitation Fruit Flavored Sugar Bites (AKA Fruit Snacks)- CHECK
• Pomegranate Margarita- CHECK CHECK and CHECK

Today is the annual tubing trip with my family. We've been doing this shit for years, and it seems to grow every year. I remember one of the first years when it was only about 15 people. About 4 years ago, I took photos as we prepared to get in the water, and I counted just over 80 people, and I could easily name another 5-10 that weren't in the pictures.

It's a large group, we're rowdy as can be, and usually, drunk as skunks.

I fully anticipate some pretty fantastic posts next week. In the mean time, yeah, I've been gone. Why?

• Girls night out Thursday
• Wedding Friday
• GETTING DRUNK Saturday
• Senior Portraits Sunday

So, uh... yeah, that's it, really. Nothing hilarious yet. Expect epic awesomeness next week. Maybe. 

Baby Elephant is Cuteness Overload.

Possibly the cutest thing ever. Baby kittens have nothing on this little guy.

Indiana Jones and the Realm of Reality

The other night, Spouse and I settled in for a long night of me not sleeping. I'm actually running out of crap to watch on Netflix. We had just been talking about Indiana Jones a few days prior, so I wanted to see them. In searching for them, I discovered they don't have the movies, but they did have the crappy shitty horrible tv series available.

As we started watching, I marveled at the extreme coincidence involved in two people being stranded in the desert in front of the pyramids, when someone they know (who does NOT live in said desert, or even said country) comes pedaling up on a bike out of no where.

Now, this isn't like going to the mall. This is two people (one from America, one from England) going out into the  middle of no where to see the Pyramids, and being stranded when their camels are stolen. No one else was there- just these two. Then, here comes person 3 from yet another country, riding up on a bike to save the day.

I'm not going to discount the theory that someone else was visiting the pyramids. What I am questioning, is the fact that they knew the dude personally. And this was set back in the early 1900's, long before the over crowding of today.

It got me ranting, and Spouse laughing, though, so he pointed out that this came from the same genius that brought us face melting light from the Ark of the Covenant, still beating torn out hearts in the Voodoo laden one, and a Knight that has survived a ga-jillion years protecting a cup.

I pointed out that A) no one has found the Ark, so how do we know it won't melt faces off when people find it? B) We don't live in Voodoo areas- how do we know it hasn't happened? And C) Again, no one has found the Holy Grail. Who knows just who or what is protecting it? It could be Big Foot for all we know.

Totally plausible.

It could definitely happen.

Yep, somewhere, right now- this is TOTALLY happening.

That makes those movies completely plausible in a big way, for me. Meeting someone you know in a completely empty desert in the middle of podunkville? Not in the realm of plausibility.

Spouse: Well, what about the aliens in the Crystal Monkey Butt movie?

They're screaming, because they knew the movie sucked. And also because Aliens don't HAVE Crystal Skulls, dumbass.

Me: Oh, fuck no. That shit was just stupid. I mean really, aliens? Please. The brainchild who thought up random ass desert hook up's brought us the aliens.

And then he proceeded to sleep peacefully all night while I laid there with sand paper eyelids, and a brain that went over 100 weird ass scenarios. Like when everyone on Earth disappears, but forgets and leaves me behind. In the middle of a tubing trip down a full river. Fuckers.

*Disclaimer: I may or may not have been watching way too much of Life After People, mixed in with 1,000 Ways to Die. I told you I've run out of Netflix stuff. If you have any movie or show suggestions, drop em in the comment box.