Originally, before Blogger fucked me over with a blank post, I had a whole post about Zombies, The Bloggess, Minions, and Alien Sex.
That was before I was fucked over. For real. I don't even remember what shit nuggets of wisdom I had ready to drop on ya'll, but I'm sure they were fantastic.
Now, because that whole bit is blown, I've got some new shit nuggets of wisdom to drop off for ya.
Last weekend, I took Minion 1 and 2 of her friends to the book store. It was part of a long, drawn out day, but it involved a book store visit. And, since this post is about the book I purchased, I'm focusing on that for now. Also, because Blogger is being an asshole, I got fed up trying to re-write the first one, and add photos.
Blogger, you sir, are an asshole.
Moving on. Taking 3 16 year olds to a book store should spell trouble. And it did. Just, you know, not with them. It was more that I was the one who probably needed a leash, or a baby sitter, or something.
I had a birthday gift burning a whole in my pocket, so I looked around. I found Jenny's book (AKA: The Bloggess) immediately, BUT, I actually already had a copy, and was almost done reading it at the time, so I did what any "sane" fan-girl would do.
I took copies of the book, and displayed them around the store in different areas. I put one in the religion area, even. If I had paper handy, I would have added a post it to the front that said, "Funnier than the bible!" Alas, I did not have anything handy for that. Probably for the best. I've never been kicked out of a book store, and I'm not sure I want to see how that works just yet.
After finding some Bacon themed gifts (ie: Mr. Bacon's Big Adventure board game, bacon toothpaste, bacon mints, bacon window clings, a bacon air freshener, etc), I started looking around at the clearance (ie: in my budget) books. I love to read. I hate to spend $9 on a book. I'm cheap.
I found a book that caught my eye, but the description completely baffled me.
On the front, all you could see was the mid-section backside of a woman all trussed up in cuffs. Kinky, no? Then I flipped it over. It was actually 3 books in 1, and the book itself wasn't that long to begin with.
Story 1 was Warlord by Jaid Black (obviously a pen name- it's like some people can't even pick a realistic name anymore) - When a business trip to Scotland unexpectedly takes her back in time, Janet is enslaved by a fierce Scottish warrior whose uncontrollable urge to possess her ignites a steamy passion and unveils a sweet surprise.
Story 2 is Dragons and Dungeons by Tawny Taylor (again- see the prior remark on pen names) - Kaya tries to tempt the flirtatious hunk who outbids her at an auction into selling his prize, but instead he charms her back to his palatial estate and convinces her to accept him as her master so he can satisfy all her desires.
Story 3 is Taming Him, by Michelle M Pillow (she was doing good until the PILLOW last name) - A hard-bodied stud kidnaps Maggie to his alien spaceship, where he showers her with enticing pleasures and unrequited passion until she's ready to believe - and do- almost anything to be his.
Yes, you read that last one correctly. I promptly took a photo of that blurb, shared it on instagram, then went on my merry way. Except, a thought was digging into the back of my brain.
Remember Bear Meets Girl? Well, the problem was that it was a book outside of my normal realm, and I had said I would review it if it stumbled my way. Except, I certainly was NOT going to spend money on it to do so, and no one offered to do so either. (Don't blame you there, folks)
I thought- maybe I could make it up to everyone, and provide a review of THIS book, which was in my price range (clearance for $3.99!), and at least the first two stories were "eh" worthy, as opposed to "OH MY FUCKING LORD WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS FUCKERY" territory.
Eventually, before we left, I snatched a copy of it up, and took it to the counter, along with a Breast Cancer Awareness Mad Libs, and a Dashboard Zombie. More on that in a later post.
It took me a few days to get started, but once I did, because each story was so short, and the book was so short, it didn't take me long to finish the entire thing.
Story 1 Warlord, by Jaid Black. It was as I expected, except the author really liked to point out that the heroine was a socially awkward, friendless fatty. I mean, she really nailed that home by mentioning it every 2-3 pages. Yes, we get it. Fatties need love, too. And, really, since I'm a fatty myself, I can get on board with that easily. But, stop mentioning it. Seriously.
It read like bad fan fiction, written by someone who has never experienced well.. anything, really. It just sort of smelled armature hour to me. It wasn't bad. It wasn't great. There was a reason it was the head liner of the trio, but that's not saying much. I did mention it was on clearance, right?
Story 2 was Dragons and Dungeons by Tawny Taylor. All right, mostly what I remember of the story, was that the girl turned into a hot steaming pile of goo whenever she looked at, saw, talked to, or was near the main guy. Except, ya know, when he turns into a full on red dragon when he's smack dab in the middle of her lady garden.
There was this whole story line where the artifact he bought is the key to killing off his whole race of dragon/humans, and she's trying to buy it for a group of people who want to kill them off, except she doesn't know it until she gets the thing. Then, there's this whole anti-climatic chase scene, before the whole story line is just dropped for more sex.
I read it in the bathtub.
Again, not the best writing out there, but I did figure that before I bought it. I was surprised by the whole "Hey, I'm a big red scaly beast!" thing, but after looking at the title, I probably shouldn't have been.
I got bored with it, and started playing with my iPad camera. This is my Mustache.
Story 3. Ah... story 3. Taming Him by Michelle M Pillows. Alien sex. Sure, the aliens were humanoid, to an extent. She described them as dark skinned with a hard ridge going down their face. All I could picture was a Klingon. While I am not a huge Star Trek fan (the series or the older movies- the new movie? I like that one), I still just had the Klingon from one of the shows in mind the entire time. And, well, he doesn't bring the sexy for me.
Also- quick side note? Did you know there's a Miss Klingon pageant? Like, as in women dressing up as Klingon's and trying to be named Klingon of the Year?
The highlights of this story include:
1st Anal Probe Remark: Page 12
2nd Anal Probe Remark: Page 15
All the aliens are male, and have dragon tattoos on their man tree. They call sex "Taming the dragon."
Actual Anal Probing: Somewhere towards the end
All male Alien Orgy with 1 Human Female. There were like 6 of them all doing naughty things to 1 woman.
Apparently, they have a rule on their planet. You can have an official 3rd person invited into the marriage as a sex partner, but it has to be a guy, and he can't have sexy good times with just the wife.
Also, the wife can tell other men what to do with the husband, but the husband can't order the men to do sexy good times with the wife.
A wife's lady garden is off limits to the other men. But anal probing is not.
Having a large audience during sexy good Alien times is not only encouraged, it actually is very helpful to all involved. Pheromones, or something.
All in all? Yeah, Alien sex is not my cup of tea. The story was mediocre. The writing was mediocre. But, hey, that never stopped Stephanie Meyers from succeeding, so why shouldn't Michelle M. Pillows succeed?