Then there was that one time... (Updated)

Last night, Spouse got home, and I needed O.U.T. of the house. Mostly, I needed to go to the store, and I've been without a debit card for like 3 weeks now. Long story short? My card expires today, but the week before I went to Disney, it started getting rejected about 50% of the time I tried to use it at stores. Then, when I WENT to Disney, I didn't bring it, just because it's fucking useless. However, I was getting emails left and right from our auto paid bills, the card was being rejected. Amazon even rejected it.

What. The. Fuck.

Little more background? I'd asked back in fucking JANUARY if I would need a replacement prior to going to Disney. No, I was assured I would have NO ISSUES using a card up to the 29th of February.

Then when I lost the bitch when my car ATE it, I panicked, and asked where my card was. That was in February- they said I should have had it, it was mailed in January. Uh. No, it wasn't. They said they'd order a replacement. Now, I did manage to get the card back that was eaten, so no harm.

So when I went in last week to ask where the fuck the replacement was, I was told it wasn't on record as being ordered. Seriously?!?! Why is it my job to harass the poor employees at the bank just to get a fucking replacement card?

My new card has FINALLY arrived, but it's STILL not the original one that was shipped in January. They ordered me a whole new number and everything. What? I have to memorize a new fucking number?!?! Because I DO have my bank number memorized.

Oh. I was talking about something completely different when I started to type, wasn't I?

So last night, I needed to get the hell away from my kids, so Spouse and I went to the store, then "out to eat" in the fancy, upscale place, Le Cloche de Taco. Or, to you commoners, Taco Bell. Yes, I went there. As in the French translation.

After I ordered my highly stylized version of a taco, the "waitress" cheerfully took Spouse's order, and made the comment that his included veggies. So, of course I had to comment and let our "waitress" know that the only reason my taco was green-free, was because I totally gave up Veggies for Lent.

And then, we got a mini lecture on how that's not how lent works, but BULL SHIT. You give up what you want to for Lent. That's how Jesus works. You give shit up, you stick to it, and then, you get to eat all the chocolate you want with 40 virgins up in Valhalla with Thor, and also the Iron Man.

Then, Spouse (who, btw, was raised Catholic, and attended a Catholic school from 5th-12th grade) started a conversation with me.

Spouse: I can't believe I take you out in public. 

Me: You're laughing, you can't claim you don't like hearing me talk.

Spouse: Do you even know WHY you give stuff up for Lent?

Me: (And this is where I totally made shit up, but I'm pretty sure Spouse didn't realize that)- It's because Heysus (Spanish for Jesus- look it up!) was like locked in a cage for a month, or something.

Spouse: .....

Me: I know. I really shouldn't be around Religious people.

Spouse: I was just going to go with People, but all right.


And, just to add some gas to the flames that will surround me in hell, do you know what you get when you google Spanish Jesus?

Awesomeness. You get awesomeness.

You get the Taliban Jesus first up, with a turban.

Then, you get Jesus with the thorns, and NOT a Game of Thrones.

Then, you get some guy who isn't bad looking, who is wearing some sort of sporting uniform. Probably because he's into sports.

Then, you get a bull tossing some matador into the air with his horns.

And lastly, you get this cool ass dude who is all throwing gang signs or something.

**I may be wrong about the gang signs, but to be fair, I'm not in a gang, so I rely on others to tell me for sure.


Also? Because Topless Jared Padalecki is one of the TOP reasons people find my blog, I thought I would reward them, while also bringing in new people to this post.

 Topless, Angel Jared. Yes, please. I bet HE'S in Valhalla waiting for me.

****UPDATED

So, I just have to let ya'll know that Jared, Thor, and The Iron Man don't count as virgins.

I'm almost positive my 40 virgins are like... kittens, or something.

This guy is my new hero.

I saw this today, and about died. This guy? My new hero. I wonder- is he available for house calls?

Lent and Giving Shit Up

I'm admittedly not a Catholic in any way shape or form. But, there seems to be a lot of people giving shit up right now. Cigarettes, food, twitter (what. the. hell.), etc. So, Spouse and I decided to jump on the band wagon.

As we're not Catholics, we weren't sure the rules, so we came up with something that would be hard to give up, and plan to try for the best.

I decided to give up vegetables. Mostly because I hate eating them, and so I don't. That should actually make them very easy to give up, really.

Spouse decided he would give up cigarettes. Mostly because he doesn't smoke, so again, it should be pretty easy. I have a feeling we're gonna knock this Lent thing out of the park.

Are we doing this right? Likely not, but since we're not Catholics, we don't have to follow the rules, right? I mean, it's like a freebie.

Bitch, I Will Cut You!

I think I have told ya'll that I'm as socially awkward as they get, right? Well, I also have weird ticks. Things I have to do. Things I can't help. One of those weird ticks is my blanket. When I was a child, I had a quilt with a satin edge on it. I got used to falling asleep with it- I would weave the edge around my fingers, and rub at it.

Fast forward about 15 years. I had long out grown the habit, until M3 was about 2, and I made her a handmade quilt with a satin edge. Then I started stealing it from her. I found that once I started weaving my fingers around the stupid edge. I eventually just got my own damn blanket. Yes, it's a child's blanket. No, I don't use it as a blanket.

Just stop judging me. I can NOT sleep without it now. Ask Spouse just how often he wakes up to me tearing the bed apart to find the stupid thing. At least once a week. At least.

Last night, I was laying in bed talking to Spouse, when he jokingly tried to steal my blanket from me. He offered to keep it for me while I was on vacation, so I don't lose it. This is the conversation that came from it.

"I'll just keep it safe. You would be so sad if you lost it."

"I will cut you."

.....pause for laughter, and then disbelief.

"I'm sorry... you'll what? A, what the fuck. And B? .....Seriously, what the fuck?"

"I will fucking cut you if you steal my blanket."

"With what???"

"A knife. I'll stabbity you. I'll totally cut you with a knife. Or my spork."

He didn't fully believe me. Until this morning, when I stabbidied him with my purple titanium spork.

Also related, but not related.

Minion 1 and Minion 2 came into our room this morning. M1 will be 16 this year. M2 just turned 13. M1 is short for, well... humans. M2 is probably a little on the average to short side of height, but considering he's a 13 year old boy? We knew it was a matter of time before he was taller than M1.

We measured them at Christmas. M1 was barely taller. Like an 1/8th of an inch. Or, if you count M2's bouncy hair, he was like 2" taller at the time.

Today we noticed they looked much closer in height. Or rather, he looked taller. Conversation went as follows.

Me: "M1, M2, back to back- I wanna see which one is taller."

M1: "Um, no!"

Me: "Suck it up! Get in line, let's go!"

M1: "Oh, in that case... HELL NO."

M3 (who came in): "I'm taller than M1!"

Me: "Holy shit. She's almost to your nose, M1. She's 6 years younger than you."

Spouse: "M3, stand next to her. Oh... wow. Yup, give it 6 months, and she'll be taller than you."

M1: "Shut UP! It's not funny!"

Me: "Do you want to go shopping with me?"

M1: "....yes."

Me: "Stand next to M2."

Long story short? He's got her by about an inch. Which means he's gaining on me. Ugh. Though we figured he'd be taller than me by Christmas, which he wasn't, so I WIN!

Oh, and this gem came out of M1's mouth, upon us taunting her about being so short.

M1: "I will cut a bitch! Stop laughing!! It's not my fault you guys made a short defective person!!"

......It was awesome.

Words of Wisdom

Yes, exactly.

Wife Of The Year, Take 2

Last week, I took Spouse to see the Pistons. Before that, we shopped, he spent money on me, and we ate at the Rainforest Cafe. It was a great evening!

During the game, I realized the REAL reason I was SUDDENLY very excited to go to a sporting event.

Maybe some back story real fast. It was 90's night at the Palace of Auburn Hills. They played lots of fun music. The cheerleaders, dance team, and drum line all rocked various 90's clothing looks- grunge, fluorescent, emo-goth, etc.

So, we're sitting there, and it's finally half time, and Spouse is all, "Vanilla ice?" and I was all, "What??" Then we sat there for 5 or 6 minutes watching as they set up a mini stage in the middle of the court.

And then, Vanilla Ice fucking came out and rapped, ya'll. Vanilla FUCKING Ice!!! I worshiped at the Alter of Ice as a... um... you almost got me to reveal my age. Naughty!

Anyway, I got to bop along, sing along, and LOVE the Vanilla Fucking Ice concert at the Palace. I'm pretty sure the basketball game was just pre-show and post show. For realz. I would share the video, but all you would get is sea sick, and hear me shrieking and singing along. It's just that good.

On to how I am wife of the year.

This photo? We sat pretty far back. Not nose bleeds. Those were the people above us in the 3rd level. But, not close.


Now, look at the photo again.

So, sadly, this week is NOT 90's night. Or 80's night. Instead, it's Star Wars night. Star. Wars.  Spouse loves his Star Wars. They advertised tickets- 2 for $25. I was like, no, no fucking nose bleeds, thanks. So when we got home, I did my interwebs majik, and found stubhub. And? Tickets right in the fucking front.

On Friday, he's hoping to get out early, so we can drive back over to see the Pistons play... someone. I don't know who. Stop judging me. I'll be the one watching the cheerleaders (they perform RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!), and texting.  Seriously, tough, if ya'll can watch the game on TV, there's a good chance you'll see us. That's how close we'll be.

And frankly, I've firmly cemented my place as Wife of the Year with Spouse. Of course, there's not much out there for competition, since we're not dragging around sister wives.

And more importantly? I'll be GONE next week. To Florida. To DISNEY WORLD!!

Words of Wisdom

I love my family, but having them all up in my social media? Well, let's just say we're all over reactors, and take everything we read to a whole new level of crazy.

So, here's my words of wisdom for today.

Words of Wisdom

Something everyone needs a lesson in remembering from time to time.