Now Available: Whoring Your Page Out

You'll notice on the right side of your screen is a flashing "Advertise your page here" thing. It's cheap. It's easy to do. And most importantly, I'll pretty much approve any website that wants to whore themselves out to me.

It's all handled automatically- you select the time frame, upload or create a banner, and select a method of payment.

And then, Walgreens BLEW my mind. And apparently, other parts as well.

I stumbled on an article by someone I dislike. It was all about how you can buy a vagina at Walgreens. A vagina, really? Like, is that something that you can have prescribed if you need a new one? I would have figured it was one of those things where you went in for surgery, and came out with the cunt of an 18 year old.

Apparently not. You just have to go to Walgreens.

I decided to investigate. And by investigate, of course, I mean I sat on my ass at home, and looked that shit up online.

I don't think you can buy 90% of the items in their stores. Maybe some, but most? Likely not. That said, Walgreens.com is basically like Fredricks of Hollywood, only it's more 1 stop-shopping.

For instance, you can get a vibrating pink and black Bondage rubber duckie, complete with a ball gag. It's called "I Rub My Duckie", and yes, it's water proof.

You can also get a pink or green inch worm that vibrates, called, yes, "I Rub My Wormie".

I'm not sure about either of you, but I don't call Australia (see what I did there? Cause it's down under!) a wormie or a duckie. That would just be wrong. I call it... well, nothing, really. I'm boring that way.

I'm really just amazed at all the stuff you can get there. Lube, massage oils, vibrators, dildos, anal massagers (aka- anal dildos), ben-wa balls, positional furniture, penis pumps, cock rings, and more. I am not even remotely joking. Like, for real.

So I'm guessing this is what the shopping list looks like:

New Candle
Bottle of Wine
Bondage Duckie
Penis Pump
Birthday Card for Grandma
Some Cheet-o's
A Soda
Diapers for Tot
Oh, lube! Don't forget lube!


.....Saturday night will never be lonely again, when you have self loving tools available from the corner pharmacy. 

The one with pretty hammers, roofing, and the ER

....I jest. There's no ER. Yet.

So yesterday, I'm riding my bike with Minion 3, when my phone rings. I took a moment to answer, while M3 was busy screeching that you don't talk on the phone and drive, but DUH, I was on my BIKE, and there's not a law about that.

Yet.

So, it was my friend C calling. She and her husband are closing on a house soon. The call basically started out with her buttering me right up, and telling me how wonderful (true), beautiful (doubly true), and awesome (triple true!) I am. Then she laid the bomb.

The house is a loan that requires the bank to make sure the house is fixed up first. They have until Wed to re-roof the shed, and could I pretty, pretty please make the 2+ hour drive over and do it with her tomorrow?

....and then, I said yes. To be fair, I also told her "This can only end badly." She was all, "I googled it, how hard can it be???"

This post was written last night, but for maximum WTF, I scheduled it to post during the day. But here's the gist of it.

I decided if I'm going to be using a hammer, it's damn well going to be a pretty hammer. Ala Rory in Gilmore Girls.

So at 11pm, Minion 1 and I made a trip to The Walmart. We bought a hammer, safety goggles, and also, hot pink, zebra striped duct tape. Back at home,  I had flowers, feathers, hot glue, and rhinestones.

 See how boring and plain these are??

Skipped a photo- see the handle? Duct tape, baby. Duct tape.

This baby has a flower on BOTH sides. And also, rhinestones on top. 

Oh, hell yes. Plus, they double as a sun shade with the duct tape on top. Or so I tell myself.

I decided that I'll do lots of videoing and photo taking today (which was really tomorrow, but now, it's today- did I just blow your mind?), and send it into a network studio for a TV pitch.

Here's the pitch: This new show will be all about girls, and fixing things. It'll be like Tool Time with Tim Taylor, but with 100% more girls, boobs, sparkles, feathers, rhinestones, and awesomeness. And also, probably more accidents.

We'll call it "What Not To Do", and the tag line will be, "One woman's journey to destroy everything with Duct Tape and a Hammer."  Or, possibly, "This can only end badly." Maybe more likely the last one.

Spouse also pointed out that Duct Tape and a Hammer can fix anything, which was awesome, because my hammer is decorated with duct tape. So, really, I wield the most powerful tool in existence. Also the prettiest. I've named my hammer Stanley Bob. Mostly because it says Stanley right on it, and I don't want to give the hammer a complex by changing his name too abruptly.

See, I want to call him Princess Sofia, but I feel I should start off slow. We'll call him Stanley Bob for the first week,t hen just Bob. Then Mob. Then Mop. Then Mopia. Then... you can see how this will probably take some time. I fully expect that by this time next year, he'll be answering to Princess Sofia. Or, more likely, Stanley Bob.

Lorelai and Rory Gilmore would be so proud of me. Or, Lorelai at least. Since I can't embed this shit, go to you tube and watch it. Seriously.

http://youtu.be/cZY4ugx8-IM

I'm going to be building a REALLY pretty shed today. Keep informed with twitter, as I'll be posting LOTS of photo updates.

In the name of all that is Holy...

What in the ever loving HELL is this SHITFEST??

Ok, before I go on ranting about this shitfest, let me just go back a bit. I was a child of the 80's (Ok, a product of the late 70's, but I was raised in the 80's), and when I was about 10, someone re-made Dark Shadows, a vampire soap opera that would have done great in this era of Vampire lovin'.

I loved the crap out of that shit. It was dark, it was mysterious, and there was all sorts of underlying love floating about.


Fast forward a few years ago. I found the entire series (which was like 6 episodes, or something) on disc. I bought that shit up faster than a food stamper gets her nails done while her kids run around terrorizing the salon*.

Of course, upon watching it as an adult, in an error where movies are so well made, the series didn't hold up as well. BUT, there was still a soft spot for it. I remember telling Spouse that it should be remade, and that Johnny Depp would KILL in it, and that Tim Burton should totally direct that shit.

 See? He'd SMOKE that roll, all bedroom eyes, and a slow drawl....

Then, I found a small rumor online about 3 months later, predicting just that. (this, of course, means I'm clairvoyant, and that I should now win the lotto when next I play- and if I do, no offense, but ya'll likely will never hear from me again).

 Yes, oh God, yes, please.

I eagerly tucked that knowledge away, waiting to hear more. A little while back, I found some promo photos, and I about lost my damn shit.

What. The. Crap. Is. This. Shit. Seriously.

Ok, he looks really... campy. Buuuuut, I figured maybe it won't be bad. Sure, THIS Barnabas will NOT be populating my spank bank (yes, boys- us girls have those, too!), BUT, the movie could still rock.

Until it didn't. I suppose I shouldn't say that it didn't, because it's not out yet. But judging by the trailer? It'll be the rock that sank the damn Titanic. Needless to say, the only Johnny Depp as Barnabas I'll be picturing will never appear.

Christmas and Pinterest.

There should be rules against pinning holiday crap 10 months before the holiday. Or 2 weeks after it, for that matter.

Pin with pride- stop sharing Christmas and Halloween crap!! That's what your browser's bookmarks are for.

Disney- A really late post

A few weeks ago, I went to Disney with my best friend and her kids. I'll spare you the fine details, but just know that we had the best time ever, and I'm really glad I was lucky enough to share the trip with them, and witness her children going for the first time. It's something no one should miss out on- seeing their kids as they enter Magic Kingdom and see the castle, or when they meet their first character.

But, this post will just be some of my favorite photos- both of myself, and of the parks. If you're curious about my own plans for Disney, click the DISNEY link up top.

Girl Scout Cookies!

So last week was Girl Scout Cookie week. It was time to pick the cookies up from the Powers That Be, and bring them back to the troop leaders house, then sort them, and hand them out to the people who had orders.

Being the helpful person that I am, I signed up to help pick the cookies up and "Take them to our Leader" (that should totally be spoken aloud, in a creepy alien voice. Just saying.) We all met up early, and headed over.

Because Minion 1 is at home during the day, I voluntold her she was helping, because loading and unloading a bazillion boxes of cookies? Sounded like the kind of fun one should share with their minions.

 Notice how thrilled she is?

We get there, and we're told to line our cars up next to the semi's side by side. There were 4 of us, so two cars in front, two in back, side by side. Not holding hands, though, cause that would have been difficult.

The van that pulled up next to me? Totally had a completely flat tire, so we were mostly down to just 3 vehicles to start with. We did put some in her car, just not many.

But as I pulled up to my spot, I immediately spotted one of the grossest things. I absolutely DETEST this on vehicles. I think it's crass, disgusting, and frankly, should be outlawed. Especially when you're picking up fucking Girl Scout cookies.

 

Ok, the metal ones are bad enough, but plastic ones that are flesh toned with fucking VEINS on them? Seriously. Your truck doesn't have balls. You put them there because you want other people to think you're all bad ass, when really, you're making up for what you're missing- balls. You have none. Buck up, remove the offending grossness, and maybe others won't realize you're a spineless jellyfish.

No one wants to see your fake testes hanging out for a ride. No one, but especially not the kids at your child's school, the mom's in the Girl Scout line, the other parents who know you, or the people on the road.  I'm an open minded person- ya'll know that by now. But this is just gross and pornographic. Remove them.

While we were waiting to pull up, I realized that we would not be doing the actual loading of the cookies. I still had a few small things in the trunk area, so I made Minion 1 get in the back seat and move those few items. 

See?

She really loved me for this. Seriously. 

This was only part of our order. They ALL fit in my car. Yes, all of them shown above. And then some. 

Half full.....

 All in all? In case you are wondering, you can fit 52 cases (or 624 boxes) of Girl Scout cookies in a 2010 Ford Fusion. For real. Had I not brought Minion 1? You likely could have added another 10 cases in the front seat. SCORE.

There Should Be More Sam & Dean Winchester

I've taken note of how people find my blog. There are some fucked up people out there, for starters. But enough about that.

On any given day, my track back's look like this:

Let's have a run down, shall we?

• Sam winchester shirtless
• Jared Padalecki shirt off
• dirty birthday card
• I will cut you <----Fucking YES
• Jared Padalecki
• Jared Padalecki Wife (that's me)
• Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki
• Donkey with Balls <-----.......what?
• Jensen Ackles Smoking
• Sam and Dean Sexy

So, out of the top ten searches (these specifically show the top ten over an immediate time frame, meaning "now"), 7 were for Jared and Jensen. Sam and Dean. Peanut Butter and Jell- oh, scratch that last one.

In conclusion, I guess this is what ya'll come here for.

People want to see this:

 But, for Minion 1, no one has asked for this:

The reason no one asked for gay Castiel, is because there IS no gay castiel.

Also, for the weirdos out there, there is equally no Wincest. Just, no. Seriously. Go see a doctor, because you need help.

And then, I took the drugs that killed Michael Jackson

Last week was my quarterly appointment with my Pain Clinic for the arthritis I have on my neck. It's SUPER fun, though I have described it before.

You know that scene in The Mummy where they talk about the process of mummification? You know, Evie tells them that they jam a red hot poker up their nose, scramble it about, then pull the brains out through the nose?

The few times I was "lucky" enough to be cognizant of my surroundings during the appointment, that's what it felt like. Only through the back of my skull, instead of my nose. After that, I have dealt with issues regarding sedation just about every time.

Here's the issues-

Trip 1- I was KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT for 12 hours, and groggy as all hell for another 12. I was actually unable to walk. For reals, I took a step forward, and couldn't figure out why I was moving backwards.

Trip 2- I asked to dial the good stuff back a notch. They did, and it worked fine. I was semi-out of it for about 3 hours, but not asleep. Good stuff.

Trip 3- Can't recall any issues, must have worked fine.

Trip 4- Told them it worked fine. Not sure if they changed it, but I was awake and felt shit that time.

Trip 5- Mentioned to them that I could feel it last time, and could they make that not happen again? They fucked with it. I was able to feel EVERY little jab, scramble, swirl, etc, that time. I was in tears.

Trip 6- Mentioned to them that I was in no way ever repeating the experience from the last time, and could they please never do that shit to me again? They added a 2nd sedation medication to the 1st, and knocked my ass out. I went from closing my eyes in 1 room, to opening them in the recovery room. I slept a decent amount, but wasn't out of it all day. LOVED it.

Trip 7 (that's this trip, ya'll)- Told them that last time's sedation was perfect. Got told that there's a shortage of Versed, and we'd be changing it to Phenobarbital. Then, got a loooooooooong ass explanation as to how it's the drug Michael Jackson took that wound up killing him. Explained that it was safe. I told them I was figuring it was, or they wouldn't be giving it to me. They hooked me up with oxygen for the first time, then shot the shit in. Holy fuck, ya'll, it was PERFECT. At first. I was out for the procedure, then woke up when they rolled me onto a gurney to bright fucking lights. TOld the doctor it worked great.

 Waiting for the doctor.

 This was in the office, after I changed and waiting to be taken back for the procedure. I ROCKED the duck face, grimace look so many teens do these days. NAILED it.

First post procedure photo. Couldn't keep my eyes open. Wasn't sure I even took the photo.

 

 Second post procedure photo. Not sure why I look so odd- I was half asleep still, but feeling nice and floaty.

 

 Last post procedure photo. Oxygen gone. No, that's not blood on my finger, it's betadine. No, I'm not actually throwing a peace sign- I was showing off my oxygen monitor. (in my head, I was completely baffled trying to just hold up 1 finger) It's safe to say I was feeling pretty fucking good.

I was actually awake the entire drive back to my dad's place (the office is in my home town, and I need to have a driver every time, so I have to find people willing to sacrifice a day for me), and my mind felt very lucid. I was a bit groggy, but didn't fall asleep on the way home.

Got to my Dad's place, and felt very queasy from the drive, which was new. Then I lost my lunch, which is also new. Felt fine afterwards, so Dad made me dinner. I was VERY slow in eating- like a small bite every 5 minutes, cause it made my belly just roll when I swallowed.

After about 30 minutes, I lost my dinner, too. Then, I slept for about 2 hours, woke up queasy, then went back to bed queasy. I did feel fine the next morning, though.

So, end results? Please stop the shortage of Versed, because Phenobarbital? While the floating feeling was nice, the losing my meals part? Not so much.

Teaching ya'll some Biblin'

I feel like with Lent going on, n all, I'm learning lots of Biblin' stuff. The other day, Minion 1, Spouse, and I started talking about -something-. I'd tell you what, but I honestly at this point don't recall.

It quickly pared down to a "What exactly ARE the 10 plagues?" conversation.

I will have you know, that I knew at least 1 that Spouse didn't, and he even went to a fancy Catholic school where they likely eat, sleep, and bathed in that stuff around this time of year.

The ones we all got were:


Death of the Firstborn (me!)
Frogs
Lice (the one Spouse was like, no, that's with the bugs!)
Blood
Pestilence
Locusts (Hercules the Disney version reference- "That's it, I'm moving to Sparta!" which is the name of the town I grew up in)

So yesterday, Spouse and I were lazying around in bed watching The Mummy (which, of course, includes some plagues of it's own), when I got curious as to what all 10 of the plagues were. So, I looked that shit up, and for some reason, clicked IMAGES in google.

I so wish I could be making this stuff up at this point, but I'm not.

For those of you who are in need of some more Biblin' (Bible Learnin' in Southern Speech*) (*I am not Southern, it just sounds like a Southern thing), here is the PERFECT way to get going.

First up, a handy 'scroll' to learn from.

Ok, ok, that's nice and easy. But what if you want something... more playful?

Seriously. Check out the HAIL clown head finger puppet. You can't make this shit up. It's out there. Someone's kids are learning to fear clowns because they think clowns bring the plague.

This one is fairly straight forward. Fish drinks blood. Frogs multiple. Bees! Dog and lion... sit? Cows yawn. Fat dude itches his belly. Snow fall! Crickets! And lastly, something happens with a dagger, smoke, and a black curtain. Ok, maybe not SO straight forward.

Ok, for you crafty mama's out there, glue some dead flies to a popsicle stick, and let the GOOD TIMES ROOOOOOOLLLLLLL.

Not working for you yet? All right. Bring on the slightly playfully morbid with a serious of 10 masks, including the old X eyed dead kid mask. Perfect for a bright and sunny day of Churchin'.

Now, for you wino's out there, never fear. You won't be left behind when you buy this 10 piece Wine Glass Charm set, including:

Blood, Frogs, Lice, Wild Beasts, Cattle Disease, Boils, Hail, Locusts, Darkness, and Slaying of the First Born. ACT NOW and receive a commemorative plate depicting the slaying of YOUR First born, custom made!

And, last but not least. This photo showed up under a search for the 10 plagues. A sign? Probably.

***In all seriousness, I'm sure Wookie was added only as a precaution. It's likely her supposed baby that will really wind up bringing on the 10 plagues. Go Snooki!