The one where I turned 21 Again...

So, I'm pretty sure at this point that most of my relatives have no idea when I was born. Scary to say, this mostly includes parental units.

Since I am 34 21 with a teenager's worth of experience, I really don't expect people to remember it. Or send cards, or what not. That's what my husband and kids are for. But, like, a quick "Hey, bitch, happy birthday!" would have been nice.

I sound bitter. I'm really not. I'm more melancholy about it. Disappointed. Then, my friends on Twitter stepped in, and ROCKED the night. This is why I love my tweeps.

So what did I do today? I pulled Minion 3 out of school for the day, and tortured myself by taking a short attention spanning Aspie yard saling all day, along with Minion 1. And, it wasn't even nearby, so I couldn't just bring them home and go back.

It's a tradition. I meet up with my favorite in-laws- my husband's aunt and cousin. We walk all over this one small town, because it's festival weekend, and they have tons of sales. Except, it used to be that you'd find a block with say 8 houses on each side of the road. At least 6-8 of those 16 houses would have a sale going. Now, it's more like 3-4 of those 16 houses. We used to be able to park at one end, walk down the street on one side for 4 blocks, turn around, walk back on the other side, and nail 20-25 sales. Some HUGE, others tiny.

It keeps shrinking, but then again, so is the town. The pizza place that had been there since my husband was raised there was suddenly gone last year. Three years ago, the big gas station/service garage was suddenly boarded up and had graffiti all over. Today, we stopped at a small middle of town gas station we always use for a non-outhouse-bathroom stop. It was locked, and the gas pumps were gone. We peeked inside- place is still filled with food. What the hell?

Anyway, my legs are aching. Everything is as sore as can be today. BUT, it was fun. Here are some photo high lights of my day.

 Minion 1 in the car. Not amused.

 Minion 3- also not amused.

 Had it been larger, this would have gone home to Minion 2. 

Minion 1- 1 day shy of her 16th birthday, showing off a Mary Kate & Ashley game called Sweet 16.

1st sale of the day. Minion 3 Scared. The. Ever. Loving. SHIT. out of me by coming up behind me, and shoving this lil fucker in my face.

Minion 1 found a book about a gay guy growing up in the when-ever's. (Book was written in the early 70's,  so maybe the 60's?). This is the first line in the book: "I was eighteen years old when I learned to fart." Full of WIN.

Minion 1 wouldn't let me buy the Turkey Decoy.

Auntie bought this hand carved cane. It was filled with prickly little thorn like objects. I told her it must be ribbed for her pleasure. That's when she bought it.

 Auntie HAPPY!

 Auntie SAD!

A) Who buys that much yeast infection cream at once?
B) who buys their yeast infection cream a fucking YARD SALE?!?!!?

Random flyer selling random collectible plates, hanging in random car's front window.

Wanna talk random? This was a Christmas wreath made out of DEER ANTLERS!!!!

"Decrotive" Lawn Art for $140- an outhouse with a fake dude inside. 

Vacuum Cleaner Graveyard. This was only about 1/3rd of the full amount.

This was hanging in the restaurant we ate at. Yes, really.

A shirt. I wanted to get it for a certain family member, but it wasn't her size.

Found a metal lawn art shop. Looked for a Beyonce. Found a Fish...

 A pig...

 SMALL fake Beyonce's....

 An 8-foot flamingo...

....and the scary trees from Wizard of Oz. 

We have lots of fun on the garage sale day, mostly when we make fun of the random ass people and shit we see.

Fancy Hammers Are Not Funny

So a bit ago, I posted about my fun and fancy hammer, and how me and C replaced a roof. We did it mostly alone- there were guy helpers near the end of the day, but ya'll, we totally fucking rocked out doing a roof.

Let me just state- I'm not a hammer girl. I'm not a do-it-yourself girl. I know HOW to do it myself most of the time, I simply choose NOT to. So, re-doing a roof? Kind of fucking awesome.

But.... my fancy hammer? It was totally awesome. It was the coolest hammer in the world. It's the stuff good laughs are made of.

Stanley Bob is funny. Despite what anonymous people think. And honestly? If you don't find fancy hammers funny, then you're seriously on the wrong blog.

He probably also didn't find Blog Sand Crotch Micromachine to be awesome, or find the sexy in Dean and Sam Winchester.

The one with Free Donuts, and Jesus.

***This was a draft I forgot to publish. Oops! This was written back in March.

I bet if they gave out donuts in Church, more people would go. You know, like as a reward system. You do some good deeds, and you walk away with a truck full of donuts.

There is no way this isn't full of win.

See, Minion 1 and I went to get groceries, and we also grabbed donuts. We decided upon getting all the groceries in the car, that this was the correct time to reward our selves with a donut. Then, when we got home, we rewarded ourselves with another donut, which was all right, cause I burned 8 bazillion calories re-shingling a shed with C.

Minion 1 was all, "We would probably do more chores if we rewarded ourselves with more donuts"

and I was all, "That's how Jesus works."

And she was all, "What?"

So I explained- Jesus rewarded us with donuts because we did a good job, and that's how he works. Do something good, get a donut. It's like training a puppy, except you give the puppy mailman flavored treats. Or shaped. Or something.

We got to considering the possibilities. If Jesus handed out chore charts, and told us "Do this many things, get a free donut", we'd all be backing trucks up to the doors of Churches. They would be full of people. And because people would be fat, well fed, and happy with Jesus, there would be more kittens in the world.

Like, ok, say Guy 1 does 5 good deeds, and 2 bad ones. Sure, he got 5 donuts, BUT, Jesus took 2 away and said, "Maybe next time, you'll think about what you did."

Or, and this was my favorite, what if someone comes in and does ALL of the good deeds, but does them in an ass kissy kind of way. Well, then Jesus would call them up front and be all, "You did very good, but because you were all ass kissy, you don't get any donuts. I'm going to give them to everyone else, because no one loves an ass kiss. No one."

And Jesus would totally be right. No one loves a kiss ass, so I stand by his decision to share donuts with me because he took them away from an ass kiss.

Bear Meets Girl. Wait... what?

Reality has absolutely no place in our world - Lorelai Gilmore

Today, I was cruising Dlisted, and an ad on the side drew my attention. Then I started looking at all of the ads. And then, it happened. I saw it. The ad. The big What. The. Fuck. ad of the day.

It was an ad for a new book- Bear Meets Girl. Whaaaa.....? The title alone intrigued me. I mean... was this a book about a guy named bear? Was it a book about the great wide wilderness? I was just confused!

Until I read the description.

"He's big burly, and way smarter than your average shapeshifting bear. He's also about to get trapped by his own game...."

Bad grammar aside, what. the. fuck.

1) Shape shifting.... bear?

2) "your average shapeshifting bear..." ... are there average Shapeshifting Bears?

3) "Delicious, sexy and wicked fun!" - uh.... I'm still not sure if it's a book about bestiality or not. I tend to lean towards yes, yes it is about bestiality, which to me- not so much with the sexy, wicked fun.

I was curious. Was this an established author? Is she a real person? Is it just a big prank on the interwebs?

Turns out, she IS a real author, with lots of books.

Now, before I go any further, let me be clear about a few points:

1. I have read and enjoyed supernatural style romance novels before. Shapeshifting included, though the main premiss revolved around the people in their human form. I've read books about werewolves (Susan Krinard), vampires (Twilight- yes, I know, and I'm the first in line to eviscerate the writing stylings of Stephanie Meyer, but also many others), and more. My favorite supernatural authors are JR Ward, and Sherrilyn Kenyon.
2. I am all for people enjoying what they want to read, regardless of whether it's a book I would read or not- I just think people should read. Not just for education, but for entertainment. Reading is a great way to further your world.

That said?

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Seriously- this chick's website is like a bad Twilight fanfiction. I love romance novels- they're my go-to for when I need a break from reality. I get in a nice warm bath, and read through one in about 2 hours before getting out and rejoing the brats that live in my home. There are a few things that draw me towards a book to read:

• Title- it should something at least somewhat romancey or sexy sounding.
• Book Jacket Blurb (what are those people called? Blurbologists? Thank you Sandra!)- it should be able to concisely tell what the book is about, while hinting at what it doesn't tell you.
• Jacket photo or artwork, if there is any. 

So, I tried- tried REALLY hard, to just find one of her books that I would pick up, and find interesting enough to want to read. I even went to her other author page, because she's published under 2 names.

Here's a few books I found-

• Go Fetch! -  How much trouble can one small female be to a modern-day shapeshifting Viking? Well…it really depends on local gun laws.
• Here Kitty, Kitty -  What do you do when you've got a hillbilly tiger by the tail? Or maybe the question should be: what wouldn't you do… 

 These blurbs for the books? Kind of remind me of something a 12 year old would write, while trying to sound like she's grown up and sexy.

All of that said, I'm willing to have my mind changed about how horrific I imagine these stories will be, so I plan to cringe through the first chapter of a book. If I am not engrossed after chapter 1, then I will totally stand by my whole post.

Minion 1 and her $25 Belt

Minion 1 will be turning 16 soon (don't worry, she does not have a license, and won't for a while!). With her upcoming special day, she and I both received Birthday money from my FIL. My birthday is the day before hers, which only makes her a copycat, and no where near as cool as the original deal.

Because I had some cash burning a whole in my pocket she had some money burning a whole in her pocket, we went to the mall today. It was full of epictastical win. Seriously, a day out with the two of us is all sorts of win.

From rocking out to Eminem, then singing next to Kelly Clarkson.

From finding awesome buttons at Hot Topic, and buying an Evil Queen wallet.

 

From trying on mustache sunglasses at Claires.

From riding the escalators several times at JC Penney just to get a good pose.

 From strutting our shit through the mall, then TJ Maxx, then the parking lot.

From wandering the mall looking for DQ only to realize they shut that shit down without telling us. 

From rocking out to Cheap Trick, and then Soul Decision.

From stopping at Wendy's for a shake, and being greeted by a sign that promises more meat and less bun. 

We are a lot of fun to be around. Or, to stop and stare at if you don't know us. That only happened 3 times today. That we know of.

Minion 1's favorite shop in the whole world is Hot Topic. Which, really, I can't pick on her too much for, because in HS, I was like 100 pounds soaking wet with a tight little dancer/cheerleader/track runner body, and I'd rock the striped thigh highs, short skirts, and ratty black t-shirts. So, while I think she can sometimes look like she rolled out of bed wearing the exact same outfit for 5 days in a row, she seems to like it.

We hit up HT after a disappointing trip to DEB. I love DEB. I love bright colors, and sequins, and all manner of clothing inappropriate to the mother of a 16 year old. Especially a fat one. But I still go anyway.

It took M1 all of 5 minutes to locate the $25 belt, and all of 30 seconds to convince herself to buy it, using up half of her birthday money in 1 fell swoop.

The belt IS pretty awesome, I suppose, but $25 for it? Not if it were my money. It's a seat belt. Yes, the kind you use in your motor vehicle. It has a JEEP clasp. You push the button to release it. It's a seat belt.

And it says FREE HUGS all over it. I can only imagine how well that will work when she's hanging out at the mall with friends, and random strangers demand hugs.