Drink, Drank, DRUNK

Tomorrow is the Pink Dress Run Breast Cancer event. I'll be getting drunk in the name of charity, while watching dudes strutting their shit in dresses. Yes, for real.

If you'd like to make a donation towards the cause, I'm accepting PP donations in amounts of $1.00 on up. In the mean time, you'll want to check my twitter posts tomorrow- they should be pretty awesome.

And of course, by awesome, I mean pretty fucked up.

Some highlights from last year...

The first drink is always a doozie. 

 

See this purse? Some guy had it all day, and my mom kept asking me where he got it. I finally went over and asked. He said, "Well here- I'm done with it!" emptied it out, and handed it over. That, my friends, is the power of persuasion. And also of being utterly, and completely, fucking wasted. 

And then, I forgot Spouse was old

Er. Older. I forgot Spouse was older. Or rather, I assigned his oldness to the wrong day of the week. Of COURSE I know when his birthday is. It's just that I knew we were going somewhere specific in conjunction with his birthday, and so in my head, that day is the day I was thinking of for his birthday.

It's all rather silly, really. I talked to my mother on Monday. She asked how old Spouse would be the next day. I was like, Whaa....?

Then I was all, Oh.... fuck me. Tomorrow IS his birthday. And also, not Thursday as I had in my head.

So, on Tuesday, Spouse turned Older. Not today as previously planned. But, I totally still rocked that shit out, and got him his gifts early. Or, on time. Whatever.



And also, Mapquest is a fucking moron today. Today, Spouse and I are going to go waste money & time at the amusement park, sans kids. Because I bought us season passes. That's the kind of loving wife I am. Oh, sure, I bought some for the kids, too.

But back to Mapquest. I know where it's at, but I wanted to verify an exit number quick, so I plug in our hometown, and the exact address of the park.

Mapquest spits this shit out:

We could not find a direct route between *****, MI and Amusement Park, MI.

But that's all right, because I know how to get there. I just needed to check when to switch highways. Because I have EYES, Mapquest.

Fifty Shades of Grey- Book Review/Report?

Over the past couple of months, I've heard people talking about Fifty Shades of Grey. I considered picking it up a few times, but I'm the kind of girl who reads the bad reviews before leaping into a $10-15 purchase. I'm bad ass that way.

A lot of the bad reviews harped on the bad writing, 1 dimensional characters, and unbelievable plot, so I ignored it.

Then, we were at the book store, and I had totally just finished the Alien Dragon Sex book, so I was in the mood for something fun to review. I started it with the intentions of totally eviscerating it. Did I love it? Hate it? Well, while the review was 4 FUCKING pages long in word, it is worth a peek if you want to know my book club style thoughts on the over all book. 

Check out my thoughts after the link, if you are coming in on my main page, and not directly to the page itself. If you came to the page itself, just ignore this. It's pointless drivel at this point.

Teen Drivers

So, Minion 1 is knee deep in drivers training right now. In as little as 2 weeks, she'll be allowed to drive around a ton of metal on the road. You know, around PEOPLE. And, just to make it more interesting, she has to drag her father or I with her, so, SCORE for us.

I suppose if we're in the car with her, we're less likely to be mowed down on the sidewalk. Or the 2nd story of the house.

Last night on the way home from drivers ed, she started schooling me on different things to do and don't.

Like, you can't pass more than one car at a time. My answer? Well no shit, unless you're on a 3 lane highway, there's only 1 car you can pass!

Then, she pointed out that she meant I can't get into the passing lane with the intention of passing more than 1 car before getting back into the regular lane. This is what followed.

Me: What if there is a semi going like 40 mph, with a line of 12 cars behind it?

M1: You don't pass.

Me: So you sit your happy ass behind 13 slow ass vehicles, while there's a perfectly open lane right next to you?

M1: Yes. Always.

Me: So you just sit there. You go slow as fuck, just sitting there.

M1: Well, you can yell at them. Like, "Get the fuck out of my way, and speed the hell up!", but you sit there waiting while you do it.

Me: You have some serious road rage issues.

M1: I'm passive aggressive on the road. I'm perfectly happy sitting in traffic, as long as I can cuss out the idiots in front of me.

Me: Maybe don't tell your driving instructor about this.

On the plus side, I'll be home both days this week when her instructor picks her up for her drive. Is it wrong that I want to drive behind them video taping it? M3 said I should make sure I'm behind a brick wall, so I don't get hurt.

I decided if we line the brick wall with steel, I'd be even safer.

Business Casual Crocs & Other Tales

Over the weekend, Spouse and I met up with my brother, sister-in-law, and my aunt for lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings (Here by referred to as BW3's, because that's it's fucking name). We had a great time. Drinks were had by 3 of us. Yes, I was one of the 3.

My brother, we'll call him Ben, decided to let me know that he was way cooler than I was. I told him maybe in real life, but I'm a total rock star on the internet. And then he told me he was better on the internet, because he invented the internet, which is bull shit, BEN, because the internet is older than you. But, then I pointed out that the FBI has a file on him because of his internet usage, and that stopped him pretty fast.

And they do. Have a file, that is. On Ben, my brother. It really is an amusing story, in a "He wasn't allowed on the internets for a long time" kind of way. And also, I told him they probably not only have his name on file, but also his DNA. He said they never swabbed anything, but I pointed out he probably ate or drank something while he was a guest, and did he take his trash home with him?

We decided in the end, that the FBI used his DNA to make a clone Robot of him, to which he said they were brilliant if they did, and Spouse told him they probably didn't give it a voice box, because they had met Ben before.

Also- the FBI agents he met likely didn't look anything at all like this:

It was rather fun, really.

I also found out later that Ben wore crocs to BW3's. Crocs. On a grown ass man. When I texted him about it, he was all, "Yeah, so what?" 1 phone call later, he wasn't convinced that he committed fashion suicide by wearing crocs.

And then, he admitted that he wears them to work. In an office. Because it's a Business Casual office. For real. I told him I don't think he understands what business casual is.

So I found a photo for him.

(not Ben. Some guy from interwebs who thought crocs that matched his shirt made it business casual)

I asked if they were at least real crocs. Nope, they're knock off grocery store crocs. But, he said they're mad comfy. I know they are- I have a pair, but I prefer to wear them to the mail box. Or when I drop minion 3 off at school at the ass crack of dawn. Not, you know, out in public.

Things I Want To Say (But Can't)...

This list isn't aimed at any 1 person, but rather, comments that I would love to tell some people, and can't. So I will say it here, instead.

1. Of course we think you're a whore. You don't even know who the dad's to all your kids are.
2. You belong on my blog, because you, sir, are a fucking moron.
3. Yes, you look fat in that outfit.
4. No, I don't think you deserve to celebrate that holiday when you don't take part in the requirement for that holiday.
5. Yes, I do think you're acting like a child (ok, I admit it, this one could have been said to like... a dozen people).
6. No, we don't want to come visit you.
7. No, we don't want you to come visit us.
8. How the hell do you live like that??!?!
9. Yes, you are a douche bag, and a dead beat dad.
10. No, we don't care what your side of the story is.
11. Oh, you cheated on your wife? What a wonderful man you must be.
12. Oh, you don't want to pay child support? What a wonderful parent you must be.
13. No, you are not ever going to be allowed around my children again. Period.
14. I tell everyone you were adopted, because I wish your real parents would pick you up.
15. I'll believe you're dedicated to being a parent, when your life stops revolving around you, and starts to revolve around your children.

Hmm.... I suppose that's about it for now.

Cat Penis Spikes

This is how people find me. I'm not even joking.

 
Today, 3 people looked up Cat Penis Spikes, and found this blog. I don't think I've ever even talked about the three topics in the same post like ever. Also, I wonder why they were looking it up, AND, why they bypassed the pages and pages of CatMD sites to choose mine. I'm not sure I want to know.

Additionally, Bear Meets Girl has been a search hit for me. I'm averaging like 3 a day since posting about that... um... book? Sure, we'll go with book. It has words. It's got a cover photo. A blurbologist worked his magic on the back. Yes, it's settled, we'll call it a book.

I apparently pop up on the 1st page of Google when you look up the book, which has been helpful. Here's hoping repeated posts only ensure that I pull in people who look up cat penis spikes AND bear meets girl.

We get it, Jimmy Wales, do you?

Today, I took a Ho Stroll down Wikepedia, getting my daily history fix. It started with a video on YouTube about... You know, I have no clue what started it. At one point, I was looking up Boblo Island, a defunct amusement park on Bois Blanc Island between Detroit and Canada. That kicked off a round of abandoned places.

Eventually, I was on Wikipedia getting my daily dose of learning' in, and feeling like a ho. See, every fee months, Jimmy Wales, founder of Wikipedia, starts pimping the site out for money. Server costs are high, he's broke ass, etc, etc, etc. so, he spends weeks appealing to the better nature of the intertubes. He Feels it is far less intrusive to spend long periods of time taking over half of the screen up with what amounts to begging, than it would be to add some advertisements that we would all simply ignore anyway.

We get it, Jimmy. You don't have any money, because you have morals. You are the website that didn't sell out. Only, maybe it is time to reconsider your approach, Jimmy. Maybe it's time to take on some support of the corporate kind. A small banner at the bottom. Maybe a few redirect pages that show an ad before depositing you at your page. It isn't likely to drive away users. We already see it on nearly every page we view on the interwebs. Why would wiki be any different? And why, exactly, should we be begged so often, when you have such a viable option when it comes to making money to make your page self sufficient? Please, get up off your knees, Jimmy. It isn't attractive.

The one with Alien & Dragon Sex

Originally, before Blogger fucked me over with a blank post, I had a whole post about Zombies, The Bloggess, Minions, and Alien Sex.

That was before I was fucked over. For real. I don't even remember what shit nuggets of wisdom I had ready to drop on ya'll, but I'm sure they were fantastic.

Now, because that whole bit is blown, I've got some new shit nuggets of wisdom to drop off for ya.

Last weekend, I took Minion 1 and 2 of her friends to the book store. It was part of a long, drawn out day, but it involved a book store visit. And, since this post is about the book I purchased, I'm focusing on that for now. Also, because Blogger is being an asshole, I got fed up trying to re-write the first one, and add photos.

Blogger, you sir, are an asshole.

Moving on. Taking 3 16 year olds to a book store should spell trouble. And it did. Just, you know, not with them. It was more that I was the one who probably needed a leash, or a baby sitter, or something.

I had a birthday gift burning a whole in my pocket, so I looked around. I found Jenny's book (AKA: The Bloggess) immediately, BUT, I actually already had a copy, and was almost done reading it at the time, so I did what any "sane" fan-girl would do.

I took copies of the book, and displayed them around the store in different areas. I put one in the religion area, even. If I had paper handy, I would have added a post it to the front that said, "Funnier than the bible!" Alas, I did not have anything handy for that. Probably for the best. I've never been kicked out of a book store, and I'm not sure I want to see how that works just yet.

After finding some Bacon themed gifts (ie: Mr. Bacon's Big Adventure board game, bacon toothpaste, bacon mints, bacon window clings, a bacon air freshener, etc), I started looking around at the clearance (ie: in my budget) books. I love to read. I hate to spend $9 on a book. I'm cheap.

I found a book that caught my eye, but the description completely baffled me.

On the front, all you could see was the mid-section backside of a woman all trussed up in cuffs. Kinky, no? Then I flipped it over. It was actually 3 books in 1, and the book itself wasn't that long to begin with.

Story 1 was Warlord by Jaid Black (obviously a pen name- it's like some people can't even pick a realistic name anymore) - When a business trip to Scotland unexpectedly takes her back in time, Janet is enslaved by a fierce Scottish warrior whose uncontrollable urge to possess her ignites a steamy passion and unveils a sweet surprise.

Story 2 is Dragons and Dungeons by Tawny Taylor (again- see the prior remark on pen names) - Kaya tries to tempt the flirtatious hunk who outbids her at an auction into selling his prize, but instead he charms her back to his palatial estate and convinces her to accept him as her master so he can satisfy all her desires.

Story 3 is Taming Him, by Michelle M Pillow (she was doing good until the PILLOW last name) - A hard-bodied stud kidnaps Maggie to his alien spaceship, where he showers her with enticing pleasures and unrequited passion until she's ready to believe - and do- almost anything to be his.  

Yes, you read that last one correctly. I promptly took a photo of that blurb, shared it on instagram, then went on my merry way. Except, a thought was digging into the back of my brain.

 

Remember Bear Meets Girl? Well, the problem was that it was a book outside of my normal realm, and I had said I would review it if it stumbled my way. Except, I certainly was NOT going to spend money on it to do so, and no one offered to do so either. (Don't blame you there, folks)

I thought- maybe I could make it up to everyone, and provide a review of THIS book, which was in my price range (clearance for $3.99!), and at least the first two stories were "eh" worthy, as opposed to "OH MY FUCKING LORD WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS FUCKERY" territory.

 

Eventually, before we left, I snatched a copy of it up, and took it to the counter, along with a Breast Cancer Awareness Mad Libs, and a Dashboard Zombie. More on that in a later post.

It took me a few days to get started, but once I did, because each story was so short, and the book was so short, it didn't take me long to finish the entire thing.

Story 1 Warlord, by Jaid Black.  It was as I expected, except the author really liked to point out that the heroine was a socially awkward, friendless fatty. I mean, she really nailed that home by mentioning it every 2-3 pages. Yes, we get it. Fatties need love, too. And, really, since I'm a fatty myself, I can get on board with that easily. But, stop mentioning it. Seriously.

It read like bad fan fiction, written by someone who has never experienced well.. anything, really. It just sort of smelled armature hour to me. It wasn't bad. It wasn't great. There was a reason it was the head liner of the trio, but that's not saying much. I did mention it was on clearance, right?

Story 2 was Dragons and Dungeons by Tawny Taylor. All right, mostly what I remember of the story, was that the girl turned into a hot steaming pile of goo whenever she looked at, saw, talked to, or was near the main guy. Except, ya know, when he turns into a full on red dragon when he's smack dab in the middle of her lady garden.

There was this whole story line where the artifact he bought is the key to killing off his whole race of dragon/humans, and she's trying to buy it for a group of people who want to kill them off, except she doesn't know it until she gets the thing. Then, there's this whole anti-climatic chase scene, before the whole story line is just dropped for more sex. 

 I read it in the bathtub.

Again, not the best writing out there, but I did figure that before I bought it. I was surprised by the whole "Hey, I'm a big red scaly beast!" thing, but after looking at the title, I probably shouldn't have been.

 

 I got bored with it, and started playing with my iPad camera. This is my Mustache.

Story 3. Ah... story 3. Taming Him by Michelle M Pillows. Alien sex. Sure, the aliens were humanoid, to an extent. She described them as dark skinned with a hard ridge going down their face. All I could picture was a Klingon. While I am not a huge Star Trek fan (the series or the older movies- the new movie? I like that one), I still just had the Klingon from one of the shows in mind the entire time. And, well, he doesn't bring the sexy for me.

Also- quick side note? Did you know there's a Miss Klingon pageant? Like, as in women dressing up as Klingon's and trying to be named Klingon of the Year?

The highlights of this story include:

1st Anal Probe Remark: Page 12

2nd Anal Probe Remark: Page 15

All the aliens are male, and have dragon tattoos on their man tree. They call sex "Taming the dragon."

Actual Anal Probing: Somewhere towards the end

All male Alien Orgy with 1 Human Female. There were like 6 of them all doing naughty things to 1 woman.

Apparently, they have a rule on their planet. You can have an official 3rd person invited into the marriage as a sex partner, but it has to be a guy, and he can't have sexy good times with just the wife.

Also, the wife can tell other men what to do with the husband, but the husband can't order the men to do sexy good times with the wife.

A wife's lady garden is off limits to the other men. But anal probing is not.

Having a large audience during sexy good Alien times is not only encouraged, it actually is very helpful to all involved. Pheromones, or something.

All in all? Yeah, Alien sex is not my cup of tea. The story was mediocre. The writing was mediocre. But, hey, that never stopped Stephanie Meyers from succeeding, so why shouldn't Michelle M. Pillows succeed?

Hot, Studly Alien Sex... Wait. WTF??

*Post forthcoming- stupid blogger lost the whole saved post.

And then, he shop lifted a canoe...

Today in local news, the police busted a guy who had over $150,000 in unpaid sporting good items just laying around his house. As I read it, I almost choke on my own phlegm (I have a nasty head cold, sorry for the visuals) when I noticed the bitch shoplifted 20 fucking canoes, 20 kayaks, and 3 paddle boats.

Excuse me, Sir- where would you like your canoes?

Which, of course, lead me to read the part where he didn't shop lift it. He ordered that shit online, and had it delivered to his front door- free of charge.

In my day (I cringe to think that there ever was a "In my day.."), if you wanted something you couldn't pay for, you went to the store, you shoved it down your pants, and you walked out. Or maybe up your shirt? I'm not all that up on my thieving skills. One time, when I was 12, I stole a pair of Disney snap barrettes. I was a REBEL.

Back to the story, though. The items were ordered from various sites with no intent to pay for them. Seriously, what website out there allows you to order without payment? Because seriously, sign me up. I mean, not for the theft part, but for real- is it really theft when multiple online companies allowed the orders to process, then gift wrapped that shit, and delivered it to him?

This is like the lazy man's shop lifting. That's like calling up Domino's, and being all "Yeah, I'd like a pizza, but I'm not going pay for it. But deliver it anyway. Thanks!"

 And they did. Deliver it, I mean. The shops all delivered shit to this guy.

I can't decide- do we condemn the guy? Or do we give him a slow clap and a Bra-fucking-vo?

And the companies- I can't find it in myself to feel sorry for them. They fucking DELIVERED his stolen goods, free of charge!

Hell, last thing I ordered was a broken lamp from Woot, and they charged me $5, and I still have to contact the manufacturer to have it fixed/replaced.