Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Talking Zombie Plans

First- Yes, I live. I know. I know. I became a Girl Scout leader. It sucked up all my time (just ask Spouse). And yes, the irony of ME being in charge of the education of kids is not lost on me.

Today, I had a conversation with C. It was long, so I'll cut out the boring stuff (you're welcome...). It started with her telling me she plans to start getting all prepared for the zombie apocalypse. I pointed out how woefully unprepared her plan is. It went something like this:

Me:  You know, you have to have a survival plan in place for the family, too. Like, who do you sacrifice first so the rest of you can make a clean escape from a zombie horde?

Which person do you team up with in the family to plot against the others?

C:  Olivia is dead weight she is the fitst to go
lol jk cats 

I think we would be fine in the house for a while not to populated of an area

lots of water

wayne has boats, so they can fish

But who goes after the cats? And who ventures out of the house first to scavenge items from other near by houses? And what houses are in an alliance with each other?

C:  I have a garden use fence panels to cover windows

Me:  What if animals are effected, and fish are zombies, too?

C: maybe thats why the cat pissed in p's shoe ~~~ it is already a zombie
I am totally going to be a great zombie killer
You need to talk me out of this shit not into it

Me: You should have a stash of weapons in EVERY room with a window. Because what if you're on the shitter, and a a zombie busts in?

You should also work on cardio, because you don't have to outrun the zombies. You just have to out run the people next to you.

 C: LOL I am not planning on fleeing the house unless I need too. I have enough clothing in the van to live off for years lol. We also have the plus of Walmart keys and lots of shit I can use to my advantage

Me: Oh, and hidden trip wires in the ground. And random spikes. So if you are in the house, you can just knock the zombies off at the knees.

And a generator- so you have electricity when the power grid fails.

And lots of propane to cook on the grill with.

And lots of gas tanks for the genny.

Walmart only works if the zombies hit when the store is closed. If it hits while the store is opened, that's fucked.

Don't forget to stock up on dry shampoo.

C:  Stop!

Me: And condoms, because babies can't run.

You need an evacuation route, and plan. Actually 2-3. What if the zombies make it into the house? What if you can't get to Wayne's boat? Where will you go? How far can you drive if your gas wasn't full? Will you start parking the van IN the garage? That way, you can load it before you take off.
And what if you can't grab anything before you go and the route you want is over taken by zombies?
Once they start to spread, they'll be ALL over super fast.

Your neighbor could go to Walmart for bread, and come home a zombie, then the whole neighborhood is fucked.
All because of bread. Fucking bread.

 C: I  am preparing lol

Me:  Can you carry all three kids and run, while fighting off a horde? What do you do? If you have 3 kids, 1 knife, and 6 zombies attacking, with no shelter in site, what's your first move?

C:  Trip P

Me: No Paul. Just you, the kids, and 6 zombies.

Minion 1 said go to the camping section of Walmart, and get a $5 machete. With your discount, even better. 

She also said you can start cutting fingers off the kids to toss as zombie treats

 And mostly? This is only part of a really epic day.

1 comment:

  1. First off, knowing both parties? That was hilariously easy to imagine - I could put voices to it and everything.

    Also? She is not kidding. The Girl Scouts have like, sucked up her life, and soul and... who are again? Seems like it's been awhile... ;)